Five reasons Gatecrasher Birmingham sucks

1 Lost property

I understand that looking for things in Gatecrasher is kind of like looking for a needle in a five storey haystack full of sweaty drunks. And the temptation is to say: Screw you, be more responsible next time. But I’ve seen a girl crying on her birthday because she lost her phone in GC and feel I have to call out their lost property system as woefully inadequate.

“I didn’t find your phone but I did find this woman, facepaint and a fuckload of coke”

2 IT’S TOO BIG

Luckily my girlfriend doesn’t agree with me, but something can be too big. And yes that was a dick joke. And yes it was low brow. But 1) I don’t care and 2) like I’m going to pass up an opportunity to imply I have a big knob in a newspaper.
My point remains valid, Gatecrasher is too large for a night out. People get lost, separated and the night becomes a game of Where’s Wally except with five floors -you’re drunk and Wally is dressed like everyone else in the club.

Honestly…he’s in there somewhere

3 The prices

Some nights are alright for this. Others are RIDICULOUS. As much as I want to see ThatBandIHeardASongOfOnTheRadioThatOneTime doing a DJ set of other people’s music, I shouldn’t have to pay £15 for it. For that money, I should be able to sit on a gold throne drinking melted down dolphins while the band felate me. The only reason I’d pay £15 to get into GateCrasher is to punch this guy.

The entry is bad enough but the bar and toilet attendants take even more money. And note to toilet attendants: “No spray, no lay” is a good chant- but not for the hundredth time. If we want to hear a few sounds endlessly repeated, the club plays Dubstep.

4 The signs

As if this article wasn’t already going to be littered with sex jokes, Gatecrasher is writing them for me. The place is full of signs like, “Come To Bed”, “Vanity Kills”, “Hello Boys” and “It Won’t Suck Itself” (I made that last one up).

I think Gatecrasher and I just got to second base

In fact there’s so many signs like that I’m not sure if I’m in a club or a kinky scavenger hunt. It doesn’t really matter because they don’t work. I’m sure the club’s management team imagined girls batting their eyelids with suitors following them through a series of increasingly suggestive signs. But what actually happens is I end up lost in the middle of a crowded room with an erection in my pants and a tear in my eye.

5 Jack of all trades

But master of none. That’s probably the best description of Gatecrasher. Well, that and Terrible. But Jack of all trades will do. GB tries to do too much, and doesn’t do any of it well enough. It has a room for rap, but Risa has a better one. It has a room for cheesy music, but Reflex has a better one. It has a room for pop, but every other club, and radio and pre drinks has a better one.

Basically if all those things crashed violently together in a pile up at the top of Broad Street, you’d have Gatecrasher. Just with less suffering.

Ahh…I love you Snobs