Facebook Purge

Unclog your newsfeed from pointless people in ten easy steps

We’re getting to an age now where it’s no longer acceptable to have 1000’s of Facebook friends; it’s not a sign of popularity but a sign you are are either:
a)      A club promoter
b)      An ‘adder’- somebody who’s just a little bit too keen and adds people after seeing them from across the room at predrinks.

Maybe it’s time to delete my ex boyfriend’s cat now

So stop sharing photos of your o-so-adorable dog with your friend’s friend’s cousin’s boyfriend and acquaint yourself with the delete button.

The Facebook friend purge is strangely satisfying and once you get going, there will be no stopping you. (Just beware of purging siblings/family members or a fragile ex.)

If, however, you need a helping hand to push you in the right direction, here are some examples of people who are no longer necessary in your online life:

1. Graduates you never liked but couldn’t delete because you used to run into them every week in seminars and around campus. It’s time to say BYE BYE. You’ll never have to see them again. Good luck with the job hunt, I hear there’s loads going…

2. People you met in Freshers you couldn’t quite shake off because they insist on stopping for awkward small talk every time you walk past. You played ONE game of ring of fire together in Tennis Courts, move on.

3. People who hashtag. Even if Facebook has adopted this habit, it’s still completely unnecessary. #seeyalater #youregoneseeyounever (except maybe on twitter)


4. People who post statuses like this:

Pie them off.


5. Anyone who has ever uploaded a picture of a coke bottle with their name on it. Congratulations, your name is really common.


6. Guys who take topless pictures of themselves in the mirror, giving themselves a puffy red face from all the tensing (and all the steroids). These specimens should be banned from the Munrow and your newsfeed.

7. People who love PDA and are grossly affectionate with their other halves. Stop clogging up my newsfeed with sickening coupley smugness or feel the wrath of my deletion.

Literal vom, please be a frape

8. General lessers. These are people who bring nothing to your life or news feed perusal and constantly bore you with their boring lives and boring faces.

All of the above are the same person. Delete.

9. Club promoters, especially from your hometown. Think P for pointless and pestering.

Suited and booted? Please.

10. People who constantly LIKE the most stupendous shite. Get rid of them and in turn, constant updates about cat videos.

What’re you waiting for? Happy purging!