Diary of a Slug Slayer

Like many of us living in student housing, Jordan’s got a serious slug problem. He documents his struggle.

Day 1: Having to salt our living room because a mystery slug keeps doing laps around it every night. This is one of the few things I will not miss about this uni house.

Day 2: More slug trails. No sighting of the perpetrator as of yet.

Day 3: The Slug has left a trail running along my wall of salt, mocking me. Once again, he has not revealed his whereabouts, and the trail stops short. Tonight will be the end, one of us will not make it through. Neither can live while the other survives.

Day 4: The slug is playing games. It knows when I’m asleep, it knows when I’m awake. Now it never travels past the wall of salt, so what is it doing? I know where its home is but he knows I can’t reach him in there. He knows if I catch him in the act, he is one dead slug… But he doesn’t let me catch him. This is far from over.

The cucumber trap

Come on slug, go get the mouldy cucumber

Day 5: He didn’t show up. I tried to surprise-attack him at the mouldy cucumber bait FIVE TIMES, but he didn’t show up. The possibility of having scared him away DOES NOT satisfy me. He needs to die. I’m going to buy some beer. I hear he likes beer. Come on slug, come and get the be-BAM, DEAD. This is my plan. This is my mission.

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Blueprints for tonight’s attempted slug murder

Day 6: You’ve won this time, slug. After all my efforts, inventive plans and amazing traps, you were always one step ahead. If you’re reading this (I know you are more than capable, Slug), then I salute you. You’ve frustrated me for the best part of a week, and it was still more fun than environmental physiology revision. Let this be always remembered as the day that I almost caught Captain Slug Douchebag.




Day 7: So it all came down to this. This is the douchebag who has been hiding for a week. I came back in at 12:30, he must have got his scheduling wrong. And it cost him his LIFE. His children will remember the day. 11/5/2013. Never forget.

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The deed is complete

The irony that I’ve ended up in the Slug and Lettuce tonight.

A dignified end to a worthy opponent

A dignified end to a worthy opponent

Since catching the Slug, Jordan has started his own slug-slaying business and is available for hire.