10 tips for Freshers

Listen up, Freshers! Uncle Luke has some words of wisdom for you

1. Take it in turns to be the excessive one

I’m not saying don’t drink, I’m not even saying don’t drink too much, but take it in turns to be the asshole that pisses on a bouncer and tries to pay him off with a half eaten kebab. Oh, and always be willing to clean up. In fact, I think the only time I used a Hoover in Freshers was a clean up vomit laden carpets.

2. Stop going home all the time

I get it. You have great friends at home you want to stay in touch with. That’s cool. But the more time you’re with them, the less time you’re doing stupid shit with your new friends. And bonding with them is the most important thing.

Pictured: Bonding

3. Join something

You’re at Uni. Give something a go. Latin Dancing, Communist Society, Fetish club- yeah, we have a fetish club, which explains why we have such a good student satisfaction rate. I even joined The American Football team, until injury and being a small malcordinated white guy stopped me.

4. Develop a taste for the cheap stuff…fast

For the few of you that have images of sitting around, sipping champagne, or quaffing sherry or really drinking anything that doesn’t have a picture of a skull on it; forget It.

5. It matters what halls you’re in.

The halls you’re in affects the way in which other people view you. Being in Maple makes you a penniless drunk. Being in Mason makes you the offspring of Mr MoneyBags and the Queen. Being in The Beeches makes you…um…sorry, what is a The Beeches? It’s a hall? People actually live there? I always assumed it was made up as some sort of tax dodge by the uni.

The Beeches- whatever that is

6. Don’t drink this:

7. Don’t be scared of Snobs.

I’ve defended Snobs so many times it’s like I’m their publicist (a job I’d love, by the way if any Snobs workers are reading this). But I’ll keep fighting Snobs’ small blood and vomit stained corner. Sure, sometimes the place can seem rougher and less well put together than Susan Boyle’s face, and maybe it’s Stockholm syndrome that keeps dragging me back there, or maybe it’s the fact the rules are so lax I could probably snort coke off the bar. Because it has a charm that a five storey mega club like GateCrasher can never have. Also, £1 Carlings.

8. Roosters

I’m not going to waste your time arguing why Roosters is good. All you know about Roosters is that when it had a fire and shut for a while, people turned up outside and held an actual funeral for it. If Pit Stop burned down people would turn up to make sure no one rebuilt it. As this photo demonstrates, Pit Stop isn’t even the best seller of breasts and thighs within a one metre radius.

9. Savour this opportunity

Freshers is the year more than any other where nothing you do matters. You can party and lie in and skip the odd lecture and it doesn’t matter. It’s like a year of being Kim Kardashian without having to give half the world blow jobs. Make friends, try lots of new things, stay up late, burn the candle at both ends, run with the wolves, dance like nobody’s watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, chuck random cheesy film lines into Tab articles because you’ve had five Frosty Scotsmen and are tired.

10. Ask Uncle Luke

Freshers, if you have any questions you’d like to ask the Tab’s agony uncle, tweet him at @Vitrioholic with all of your woes. We’ll feature the best ones!