Brum jumps up world rankings

Good old Brum has risen by 15 places in this year’s QS World Rankings, making us 62nd in the whole entire world – oh em gee.

Arts and Humanities students, we all know that you’re doomed to years of unemployment ahead. However, when the 35 year old you scrapes a cold baked bean from the bottom of a rusty can, it may come as some consolation to know that your faculty is the highest ranked! Softens the blow a bit, doesn’t it?

Sorry mate, could you spare £3 for Locke’s Treatise on Government?

Vice-Chancellor, Professor David Eastwood, boasted ‘We have a bold ambition to progress even further and confirm our position as one of the leading global universities.’

World domination is definitely possible David, maybe a cheeky bribe from your uni big dog £406,000 salary has already set us on our way?

Dem ‘brows…

It turns out the 24 hour library scheme was just a ploy to increase the international student ratio on campus, as the world united in a sleep deprived hotspot. Every little helps.

And of course, the shiny new Roosters puts us on the map. Harvard wish they could lust over a number 1.

But frankly it’s amazing that with the exam halls at 50,000 degrees we got any results at all… It’s not in every exam that a bedouin camp sets up in the corner.

Okay guys, pens down. Also, does anyone want any sweet tea?