10 ways to increase exam stress

It’s exam season and the internet is full of useful and useless tips for how to relieve exam stress. So much so, that they have become more cliché and banal than those charity adverts that tell you donating two pounds a month will resurrect Ghandi and singlehandedly cure famine. The only way you could singlehandedly cure famine is assassinate Adele.

1. Record a tape deck of yourself saying “I’m going to fail” and play it to yourself over and over

Guaranteed to be more stressful than whale song. Alternatively, get a CD of the whale song whales being harpooned.

2. Hang around people who are really really good at your subject

If you do English, follow around hipsters. If you do SPECS, follow the group of people all wearing identical tracksuits. If you do golf management, follow around idiots. In fact if you do Golf Course Management, nothing on Earth will be able to stress you in your blissful world of sunshine and butterflies.

3. Get a face tattoo of unemployment figures

4. Translate all your lecture notes into Welsh

Or Braille. Or Welsh Braille.

5. Buy a stress relief ball, then get someone to throw it at you while you try and revise

6. Buy a stress relief brick

Same idea as above but for those studying Golf course management.

7. Celebrate the 24 hour Library by spending an entire day trying to find a seat.

Bonus points for every time you cry or lose faith in humanity.

8. Read The Daily Mail

Nothing do to with exams really, but generally if you want to delude yourself into a stressful fit of hatred and prejudice, the Daily Mail is a start. I suggest something by Melanie Philips, a woman with her head so far up her arse, that the only way to do a TV interview with her is via colonoscopy. Or try one by racist homophobe in residence Jan Moir, a woman with such a sheltered, blinkered view of the world she reminds me of a Grand National horse. Except she’s unfortunately yet to be shot on National TV and turned into beef.

9. Eat discomfort food

Everyone’s heard of comfort eating. But what about purposely eating food you hate? Something you’re allergic to? Chilli and razor blade sandwich? I can’t do everything for you. Some things you need to work out on your own. How about Jan Moir-beef?

10. Drink so many energy drinks that you get diarrhoea

This could be you