Shit Valentine’s
Running low on inspiration for your Valentine this year? We’ve got it covered.
For Him- Gentleman’s Willy care kit
Men, for all your genital-grooming needs, look no further
Apart from the inherent insult implied with this gift, you must consider the fact that I doubt there is man in the world that would appreciate the teeny-tiny viewing mirror and silver Willy medallion.
£9.99- Gettingpersonal.com
Personalised card – Sexy name tattoo
Of course, you may need a card to go with this well-thought-out gift so why not choose one that is completely devoid of any kind of romance? After deciding whose name (yours or his?) should be printed onto a stranger’s body in the form of a tramp-stamp, you then get to send the picture of this scantily clad female to your own partner.
we treated ourselves to this special Tab-tat
£1.99-£5.99 from Gettingpersonal.com
For Couples-His and Her Horny Hooks (with big suckers)
Where would we be without Poundland this V-day?
You can pretty much guarantee that no one will be feeling horny after they are force to consider the fundamentally awful idea of genitalia acting as hooks.
£1.00 from Poundland
Ceramic Egg Cups
Nothing says ‘come hither’ quite like an egg cup
Forget roses and chocolate…
£7.50 from M&S
For Her- Valentines Performing pig
Woo the ladies with this creepy talking pig
This pig, should you be silly enough to press its arm, will shake it’s creepy little head and serenade you loudly and frustratingly with its rendition of Sonny and Cher’s ‘I got you babe’ no matter how frantically you work to try and make it stop.
£8.50, Tesco
Sexy Pinball
This ought to hot things up in the bedroom
Like pinball but sexier… apparently.
99p- the 99p shop.
If you want to piss off, thoroughly disappoint or repel your Valentine this week, we suggest getting one of the above.
Applications to join The Birmingham Tab’s editorial team are now OPEN
Madelaine DowdsWe’re looking for our next Editor in Chief, News Editor, Features Editor and Social Media Editor
Birmingham student police officer harassed ex-partner on social media over five months
Francesca EkePC Price committed gross conduct and would’ve been dismissed from the force had he not already resigned
Two men sentenced to life in prison for murder of Cody Fisher in Birmingham nightclub
Remy Gordon and Kami Carpenter were sentenced to 26 and 25 years respectively at Birmingham Crown Court today
A Brum student’s guide to staying friends with your first year flatmates throughout uni
Amelie PymYou could all be friends if you actually took the bins out for once
The ultimate guide to Uni of Birmingham study spots so you can finally get that diss done
Angel LawsonIf you voluntarily sit in Muirhead, get some therapy asap
I took one for the team and went to the Snobs closing party so you didn’t have to
Victoria HopeRip OG Snobs, you’re dearly missed
University of Birmingham to implement new mandatory uniform next academic year
Jennifer LangmanThis will make UoB the first UK university to have a uniform
These are Birmingham students’ official ins and outs for 2024
Isabella RicklowAccording to Kylie Jenner, 2024 is essentially the year of ‘realising things’
Here’s everything going on in Brum worth knowing about for St Patrick’s Day 2024
Meg WilliamsGet your best Irish jig on, St Paddy’s Day is nearly here
Five lies we were told as Brum freshers and why you shouldn’t believe them
From two silly freshers who believed the second years
Estella Gettins
Seven things only ‘LANS’ students can relate to at University of Birmingham
Natasha RachelNot to sound like a pick me, but LANS girls are *truly* not like the other girls
Beyond the books: Brum’s best extracurricular activities based on your degree
The hot girl walk around Aldi middle aisle is not hitting like it used to
I’m an international student in Birmingham, these are my five biggest culture shocks
Savannah GranthamMove to the UK they said, it will be fun they said
University of Birmingham called ‘ignorant’ after confusing Sikhs and Muslims in online post
Kylie ClarkeThe university has since apologised for its comment on an Instagram post
Boss of PRYZM blames students not going out as much for club closures
Bella FatherleyRekom has closed 17 venues across the country
Valentine’s who? We asked Birmingham students for their worst date blunders
In honour of the girls begging their situationship for a date
The ultimate student guide to a successful Galentine’s Day in Birmingham
Twenty twenty FOUR the girls
Birmingham Pryzm is closing down with ‘immediate effect’ after company went bust
The closure is due to effects from the cost of living crisis
Kaching! The Russell Group uni subjects you need to study if you want to be a millionaire
Emily SmithAwkward time to be an English student x
17 years since it first aired, this is who from the Skins cast is actually still friends
Iona MacRobertI wish I was invited to their lunch reunions
A side by side comparison of Black to Black’s cast and the real people they played
Jess LawlorThey got the beehive spot on
Baby Reindeer: A psychologist has explained why Martha always used ‘Sent from my iPhone’
Despite not even owning an iPhone
A look at Richard Gadd’s intense transformation in order to appear ‘neurotic’ on Baby Reindeer
He drastically changed his appearance for the series
There was another chaotic editing error on MAFS Australia 2024 last night and it’s CARNAGE
Ellie RingHow did the producers miss this?!
The five fashion trends all the cool girlies are wearing to festivals in 2024, according to Pinterest
Grace VielmaThe lewk bewk isn’t ready for this
Matty Healy has addressed Taylor Swift’s ‘diss track’ and is characteristically unbothered
‘I haven’t really listened’
Everything Lauren has been up to since leaving MAFS Australia 2024 like an absolute queen
She’s an icon, a legend and she is the moment
‘Honestly, I expected backlash’: Richard Gadd speaks on Baby Reindeer’s staggering success
Phoebe Kowhai‘I didn’t expect it to be this big so quickly’
Selling the OC cast member Alexandra Jarvis has officially quit the Oppenheim Group
Jason Oppenheim recently confirmed her departure
Omg, MAFS UK fan favourite Georges is rumoured to appear on Celebs Go Dating!
Get him back on our screens!
Lauren reveals the ‘spicy’ parts of her MAFS Australia final vows that were cut from show
Jono should be thankful these weren’t aired
24 years after it first came out, what is the iconic cast of Gilmore Girls up to now?
Give me another reunion asap please
Here’s where else to watch the Outer Banks cast while you wait patiently for season four
Filling the major Pogue shaped hole in my life rn
Everything Natalie and Collins have been up to since their disastrous time on MAFS Australia
Harrison BrocklehurstIf I had to hear about Collins discussing OnlyFans, you do too
Everything Richard Gadd has said about Jessica Gunning’s captivating Baby Reindeer performance
‘It lived and died on Martha and we couldn’t have been luckier’
Okay, so what happens next in the Ellie and Jono cheating saga on MAFS Australia 2024?
Jono becomes public enemy number one
The 10 best songs on Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department, according to streams
Justice for So High School!!!
Jess reveals she and Callum ‘no longer speak’ after he did something ‘unforgiveable’ to her
‘I wouldn’t say he’s a friend’