Fab ‘n’ Sober

Could you do it?


A lot of you may already be thinking, ‘I didn’t need them to do this to know it would be unbearable’.

Well, The Tab loves a good challenge and we were intrigued to experience one of UoB’s most popular nights through sober eyes.

Traditionally, the four horsemen serve as a precursor to the apocalypse. Ours came in the form of four lads barrelling out of Drinks2Go, Frosty Jack’s in raised fists singing ‘YAYAYAYA TOURÉ’ to the tune of 2 Unlimited’s Eurodance classic ‘No Limit’.

Yaya… Big in Brum

We started the night off in The Goose, which is prime location for a spot of people watching. Totally unprovoked, an elderly local angrily approached our table shouting ‘UNIVERSITY OF SHIT!’ at us. We were confused, because we don’t go to BCU. Anyway, for one night only, we were on the apple and melon J2Os. Strong.

Three J2Os later, we approached the Guild. There was an ominous chill in the air, an eerie silence… there was something just so wrong about what we were about to do. No queue. No screaming. No laddish chanting. No shoving. Ahh, all in good time…

We had no idea how to act in this situation

At the beginning of the night, we genuinely felt a little bit rude trying to navigate our way through the crowds without bumping into anyone or spilling someone’s drink. But as time went by, we found that it was impossible to move past without giving someone a shove.

As the crowds descended upon Fab a little while later, three things happened:

1. It got harder to move.

2. The air quality plummeted, particularly in Beorma bar – shout out to the bloke who had some lolz by ramming his armpit in my face deliberately – you are very charming.

3. Our patience with our fellow students was running on empty

It was a surreal experience.

You know those rare occasions when you go to Fab and probably don’t drink as much as you normally would, whatever the reason? You think, ‘Oh god, I’m too sober for this’. Wrong. At least there’s a bit of cushion there – a thin barrier between you and the reality of Fab.

These ladies appeared to be having a good time, at least

The highlights were probably the endless pints of sticky pink snakebite sloshing all over us and avoiding the dicks who can’t distinguish between a queue and rugby training.

The night felt like one long queue

When you’re sober you notice all of the little details of the night: one guy battling the bouncers, refusing to leave as he clings onto the railings for dear life in Mermaid Square; the guy wrapped up in foil outside looking sorry for himself; the lone sobbing girl in the corner of the corridor outside Subway (she said she was fine!); the couple flinging each other around outside; and some lads we witnessed having a particularly aggressive strawpedo-off.

Contemplating my own mortality

In all honesty, we’re not Fab’s biggest fans at the best of times. Not because it’s ‘too mainstream’ for us – bore off if this is you. It’s because we just don’t see the hype in spending Saturday night getting shoved about in a sweaty, over-crowded student union.

It’s easy to feel alone when you’re sober

Fab is kind of like a dangerous but very necessary surgery that you need to be anaesthetised for. Let’s face it, you don’t want to wake up halfway through having your leg sawn off, so you might as well play it safe and get wankered before you wake up in the middle of the dance floor screaming in pain.

Challenge failed and aborted at approximately 1.20am.