What your Belfast beverage says about you
Beer or Bucky?
“Some hay drink and canny drink, some hay none but want it. but we hay drink and we can drink and by fuck we’re the ones who want it.”
Alcohol: it says more about a man than his shoes do and more about a woman than her mystique. Whether distilled, brewed, aged these glorious potions of inebriation provide the individual drinker with, not only a sense of wellbeing, but a statement of character.
At many a pre-drinks I’ve seen people who are completely matched personality wise to their liquid of choice, and it’s a wonderful thing. However, there are those who just like to drink everything- this article is not relevant to the latter, but I tip my hat to them.
Lager & Cider
Men: You’re likely a pit of pent up sexual frustration and post-pubescent rage, but you’re laid back on the outside and don’t really care what people think of you. You’re not a fussy person, you just like having a few cans but it’s quite likely those few turn into a crate and after a messy forgotten night in spoons, your Superdry jeans may need a changin’.
Women: nothing more admirable in a woman who’s not afraid of having a beer or cider. You’re likely not too fussy about what people think of you also, you just want to get sloshed in the most basic way possible. However, the downside is you’ll likely have four cans and be sending dodgy conversation initiations to your fav tinder matches.
Stout
“Some men o’er the water think bitter is fine,
Others they swear by the juice of the vine,
But theres nothing that’s squeezed from the grape or the hop,
Like the black liquidation with the froth on the top…”
You’re an Irishman, and you want people to know and understand this in every SINGLE way possible. From discussing the situation in Stormont, to giving Michael stick for drinking Carling. Drinking a pint of Guinness is like drinking the bathwater of Éireann herself, its nasty but you’re a proud Irishman who’d do anything for his country… including downing a pint of burnt barely in 3 seconds. You didn’t make county, but fuck it, you’re in the Hatfield having a jar of this hibernian bin juice and that’s definitely on par with the former.
Ale
Men: you’re either over 50 or ready to invade the north-east coast of Ireland in your longship. I’ve seen men consume it from horns like the Norse gods of old, it’s both impressive and frightening. Seriously people, there are guys in 2016 who think they are Vikings. I blame the history channel for unleashing over-dramatized nonsense and enabling these men.
Women: this literally never occurs, and if it does that’s just terrifying.
Wine
Depending on it’s price, type and colour, wine says a lot about someone.
Chardonnay: then your likely a woman who’s spent too much time having teary conversations with your mum but your classy and the type of woman who’ll be stuffing hotel room wineglasses into her Michael Kors handbag before checking out.
Sauvignon Blanc: is the drink for any man who just wants to get pissed off grapes but have an image about him. It’s simple, unimaginative, crisp and subtle- a bit like your Ralph Lauren shirt.
Cabernet: you’re suave and constantly looking to spark a conversation about the situation in the east, but you can’t hold your drink. you’ll be praising the efforts of Che Guevara whilst simultaneously ranting about how the Labour party was the reason your Oxbridge application was unsuccessful.
Rose: you don’t like red wine and white wine gets you too drunk for some odd reason, you think there’s a middle ground, in actuality it’s a red wine imposter. You’re the type of person who plans their week in accordance with their star sign.
Cocktails
If you make them yourself, then your likely the person who has a mixology poster in their room, a really large collection of overpriced snapbacks and possesses a cheap cocktail set from B&M- this is no mean feat however. You’re the type of person who’s willing to learn, is creative and appreciates alcohol and its many uses. You want to go to mixing classes but you spent all your money on that new upper back piece worth 200 quid and you’ve had your mate from school design it for a tenner.
Alcopop
You don’t go out much, when you do, you like to drink things that taste like pic’n’mix – why do people drink stuff that smells like your uncle franks breath?
Spirit and Mixer
You’ve been to so many pre-drinks that you don’t actually know when your in your own house. After many, many nights on the tear, you’ve realised that the only thing that can get you to the level you used to get to (and, subsequently, the only thing you can afford), is Double jack and smak. Behold the person who has reached the penultimate precipice in alcohol consumption- he or she is the veteran and there is only one rank that surpasses this level of experience and inebriation.
Straight spirit
Whiskey: you’re a refined gentleman. Everybody in the room has evaded your attempts to talk about different ways to smoke a cigar. You’ve drank all the drinks and realised theres a lot of bullshit that comes between you and pure alcohol. “On the rocks? Pffft, next ill be waxing my legs!” You like to listen to the oldies, or at least pretend to like to listen to the oldies… Actually, you pretend to like a lot of things don’t you? That whiskey getting a bit tough? You spilled a bit on your brogues there… how many times have you seen Fleetwood mac? That’s cool.
Vodka: you’ve been in more fights than any of your mates and your’e always telling that story about how you knocked that man out one time. Red bull gives you heart palpitations, so you decided that eliminating it from the equation was your best option. Now, because of the lack of caffeine, you can no longer dance to Bicep and you always lose your motor skills halfway through the set.
Gin: Mary from Day-Today told you its what she drinks it every Friday night after work and it doesn’t give her hangovers, so you thought you’d follow suit. See where this is going? Vicious cycle folks…
Rum: commandeer any of his majesty’s vessels recently?
Buckfast
Just stop.