Ashton-under-Lyne has a bad reputation, but we love it anyway

Ashton-under-Lyne gets a lot of negative comments from people who don’t understand the Ashton way of life. Is it a shithole? Probably. Will we fight you if you agree? Definitely.

Our scenic views are beautiful

This is going straight on Insta

Ashton looks like the Instagram filter Inkwell. Nobody picks it because it’s a crap word for black and white. Ashton’s aesthetic is dull and grey but that doesn’t mean we don’t make the most of it. If you want to splash out on a cup of tea at Costa Coffee (and between all the greasy spoons, Costa Coffee is splashing out) you’re treated to Ashton scenery. When you’re heading to the Arcades it’s probably raining but you’re definitely going anyway. What’s the alternative? Droylsden? Fuck off.

It’s a celebrity hotspot

We’ll never forget it

Remember when Joe Swash opened Poundland and everyone lost their shit? It was the funniest thing to happen to Ashton before they trusted us to let the Olympic torch pass by, and everyone threatened to light up from it. We were unsure which we were most excited for, Joe Swash or the Poundland. We decided both. He gave us hope that one day we could leave Ashton, that one day we too could open our own Poundland. Everyone in Ashton queued to meet him and it’s still everyone’s claim to fame to this day.

 We have the most interesting locals

Ashton’s demographic: tracksuits and pensioners

Ashton town centre is where we spent our childhood. The shit merry-go-rounds are why we begged our mums for 50p. We all agreed to meet our mates at CeX to stare at the games we had no money to buy. In year 10, we all went to Quality Save to stock up on 40p bottles of Fanta before lingering round the markets because we had nothing better to do on a Saturday. And we’ve all had a fight outside the Arcade toilets because someone called your mate a tramp. You know you’re going into the town centre for an ego boost. If you have boobs and a pulse, you’ll get wolf-whistled. Ashton is so beautifully predictable. It’s grimy and neglected and half the shops are closed down. But you’d go into shock if you found it any other way.

We’re also comic geniuses

Remember when The Big Bang Theory came out so someone stuck pictures of Sheldon’s face on every sign on the Lord Sheldon Way? If you’re in a shithole, you have to have a sense of humour about it.

The locals may have coined the term Trashton but they are also the ones to uphold it. Over Christmas, an Ashton post office was raided and dozens of Christmas presents were stolen. In the new year there was a gun raid at an Ashton bank. Thanks guys, this is why we can’t have nice things.

Still true

Our historic landmarks really do defy belief

We still have these scary shits about the place

We once had a statue in Ashton town centre of The Black Knight. He was Ashton’s most celebrated legend. It is said he was feared by locals as he rode around the town on his horse, that he was a vicious tyrant. His statue stood in the Ashton Arcades. He was replaced by Sky salespeople.

While we might moan about it, only Ashtoners get to bitch about Ashton. Where are you from? Dukinfield? Gutted for you mate.