Everyone you will meet in the Thompson’s smoking area

At some point during the week, you’ll probably realise how much you love going out – the music, flashing lights, someone stumbling wide eyed and bushy tailed coming out of the toilets with a bit of boke dangling out of their mouth, but you may just think the best part of the night out is the smoking area. Who doesn’t love the smell of the Mayfair light wafting through the air? There’s the people out there that have spent a tenner getting into a club to spend the night rolling poor quality fags and run around desperately asking for a spare bit of Orbit chewing gum. The smoking area is an interesting place to meet different people who see the smoking area as a sanctuary where they can come to complain to other smokers about how much they don’t want to be here. Thompson’s smoking area is full of many different forms of wildlife. Booze and beats are not enough at this club.

The social smoker

This is perfectly acceptable in the Thompson’s world, but if you start trying to steal everyone else’s cigarettes then you are the worst type of smoker. Social smokers dont want to be known because of the stick that you get with it. Let’s be serious, once in their life time they were probably preaching about the dangers of it. They might not be a self proclaimed smoker, but when they get lung cancer, they’ll know where they got it from.

The ‘does anyone have a cigarette’ smoker

Ah yes, the classic smoking area prick – nobody likes this person. After their fourth try at scabbing a cigarette, the eyes start rolling. The look of hatred in peoples eyes when this happens, a complete stranger, trying to take my third last cigarette? I dont think so. You’re not fooling anyone, you came to Thompson’s with “oh I can borrow a cigarette from someone there” in your head the whole time.

The one who doesn’t belong in Thompson’s

If you’re going to go to Thompson’s do not wear a blazer, white shirt, black trousers and brown brogue shoes. Boys please, you’re in Thompson’s, not Ollie’s. Come in something like this will result in stare and whispers from the smokers. Go home and put your Nike hoodie on.

The ones in their Adidas

Would you really be in Thompson’s if you didn’t see everyone in the smoking area covered in Adidas? One hand, a glass of the cheapest vodka and the other, a Rothmans super king. Could this person be any more Thompson’s?

The drug dealer

When you ask them for a smoke, they’ll reply “smoke what?” You know who they are if they’re sitting with a massive packet of Amber Leaf, the brand will loyally follow students and stoners forever. They have no intention of going inside the whole night, they are the smoking area’s resident dealer. Normally found in the furthest away corner, laughing at everything and stating how high they are. There’s always a part time smoker, full time toker lurking about somewhere.

Anyone seen his lighter?

The ‘doctor’

“You shouldn’t smoke… you’ll get cancer”. Thanks Doctor Twat, I didn’t know that already. There’s always the one person standing there unsubtly judging you because a “cigarette takes 5 minutes off your life.” Everyone’s lost another 5 minutes listening to the drunk idiot preaching about the dangers of smoking while they’re standing outside in a cloudy haze.

The ‘I haven’t seen you in years’ smoker

We’ve all been there. You see someone from primary or secondary school at the other end of the smoking area and think to yourself “ah shit”.

The ‘one who’s quit’ smoking

That one friend that’s been “off the fags” for months now, oh but except on nights out, it doesn’t count. Your new years resolution was to stop the smoking, but three days later you’re sweating and crying in your sleep. “I’m going off them for lent”. No, you are not. The one who’s quit smoking will always have an emergency packet of cigarettes in their bag, claiming its been there for weeks. You’re not fooling anyone.

The ‘one who’s too old for Thompson’s’ smoker

There is always the middle aged man or woman standing in the corner of the smoking area. “I’m here with my son”. No you’re not, nobody actually knows why you’re here but you’re not here with one of your children, let’s be serious.

The absolute fucking tragic mess

There’s always one. “Caninsborrow a.. a ciggarette???” Speak English please. If you can’t form a sentence properly, then you don’t deserve my second last Marlboro Gold. They’ve just finished their exams so they have an excuse to go wild. Towards the end of the night, you’ll see the same person wandering around the smoking area like a lost puppy. They’re convinced they want a cigarette to make them “feel better” but really they need to go home. If you don’t lend them a fag, you’ll be in for a fight.

The lighter stealer

These people are always in the smoking area asking to borrow a lighter but you’ll never see it again. They come to Thompson’s with no lighters and leave with about five or six. There is always the one friend that claims “it was mine” when you call them out on stealing your lighter, but the thief knows fine rightly it wasn’t theirs. It is the deepest betrayal.

The menthol weirdos

And then theres the girls in the smoking area. Guaranteed about 80 per cent of girl smokers have a ten pack of Sterling Fresh Burst in their handbag. They’ll lend you a cigarette, but you’ll not pop it at the bottom.

Vapers

Vapers are not smokers. There are two different types; the ones who are actually trying to quit and the ones that think they’re class. Very good, you can smoke indoors. Smokers may be jokers but vapers are just twats.