A guide to social smoking

Although you’re not a smoker, there are times when you’re so drunk, you find yourself accepting any offer of nicotine you can get, often exclaiming to judgemental friends that you “just do it socially”.

There’s a knack to getting that sweet sweet tar. Here’s how to nail it.

Never bring your own

As a social smoker, it’s a rookie mistake to bring your own cigarettes. Only real smokers pay for their own, and you’re not… right?

Buying your own screams to everyone you knew you were going to smoke and are just kidding yourself. Although, with no cigarettes of your own you’ll have to scrounge and beg for someone else’s.

Trying to blend in

Pick your target

Don’t go for the guy sitting outside the toilets people watching, he’s probably selling something else. Also never go for the same person twice, that’s just pushing your luck.

Instead, go for someone so drunk they don’t even think twice about giving you one. Choosing that target in a nightclub probably won’t be that hard to find, though you do risk being trapped in a drunken heart to heart with your new best bud.

The Question

“Do you have a cigarette?”

While it seems basic in premise, in practice it needs perfecting.

Languages second year Gemma claims she uses The Question as a pulling technique. “Well, realistically it’s weird to just walk up and say ‘Hi’ to a hot guy.

“But whenever you ask for a cigarette and he even helps you light it, you can just start chatting about how you accidentally forgot your own and it goes from there.”

Geography fresher Clever Catherine shares her complex technique. “What you do is flick your tongue in his direction, mimicking smoking with your hands and mouth asking for one”

Sexy. Though she claims it works “roughly 8/10 times”

Who doesn’t like those odds?

Am I holding it right?

Act natural

Yes, you don’t do this often. Yes your biology teacher is disappointed. Yes your lungs feel like they’re about to implode,but please,please don’t cough.

You don’t smoke all the time but that doesn’t mean you can splutter everywhere. After all, the cool smoker kids are watching.

If you cough, you risk being outed as a ‘Nicotine Virgin’,the lowest of the low in the eyes of those cigarette sucking experts.