The Christmas market is awful and you know it

Yeah. I said it.

It’s December and therefore basically Christmas,with a mere 23 sleeps to go until the big day.

And what better place to celebrate the spirit of consumerism than with an expensive banana beer and a bit of German sausage at the Christmas market?

On Saturday night, the queue to get into the markets wrapped around city hall and after ten minutes of shuffling to get to the front gates, I should have realised it was foreshadowing of the night to come; a really shit one.

We’re not even in yet and already queuing

The queuing didn’t stop once  we finally got into the market, actually the whole of the Christmas market is one big queue.

Help

Where I expected there to be cheery people, all freezing for the sake of Christmas spirit, I found crying children and and angry, pushy people, all fighting to get to the front of the stalls to buy their crap trinkets.

Those look shit, I’ll take ten

Escaping the second-hand junk, I went to find solace somewhere that housed my kind of people- the beer tent…

I don’t know what you are but I want you

But when we maneuvered our way through the awful keepsakes to the Holy Grail: The Beer Tent we found the queues outside were only a taster, because these were the most impressive queues in the world.

So near and yet so far

The beer tent became another let down after discovering their pretentious strict dress code. (Who are the dicks getting dressed up for the Christmas market?)

Although I must admit, watching three teenage boys sulk in their trackie bottoms after being turned away was funny.

The beer tents are ideal for people who like over-priced, lukewarm beer that you’ll probably spill down yourself while trying to fight through the maze of people all searching for a non-existent seat.

Don’t worry mate, I’ll stand

“But the food!” I hear you scream, “The delicious food!”

Well, the so-called novelty aspect of the market began to wear thin after walking past the fifth European food stall.

How much do you bet it’s all just beef?

And all two of the attractions were unjustifiably expensive and just simply not any fun.

The guy at the back just realised how much this photo cost

The Christmassy atmosphere was also not helped after several public service announcements were made to remind everyone to “stop trying to exit through the entrance!”

It’s not our fault, we were desperate to escape.

Even Santa fucked off

But hey, I’ll probably go again next year.