7 careers you can do if you fail your exams

1. MODERN ARTIST

If Tracey Emin can roll out of a bed that looked like it played host to a hobo orgy and call it art, then so too can you. Those dirty dishes in the sink? High art. That mould under the window? So surrealist. Before you know it you’ll be bedazzling skulls and pickling cows and laughing all the way to the bank.

£20K for this edible art installation challenging preconceptions about Halloween

2. FOCUS GROUPIE

Do you have strong opinions on things like mayonnaise? Can you look vaguely interested for up to 2 hours? If so, becoming a focus groupie could be a potential career choice for you. Admittedly, you’re not going to get rich quick but for 1-2 hours of head nodding you could make anything from £30-£100. You’ll need to be from a big consumer hub though, since no one cares about your opinions if you’re from the back arse of nowhere.

“How does it make you feel?”

3. MEDICAL TEST SUBJECT

If your body is a temple, this maybe isn’t for you. But I once saw a study where you just had to take aspirin once a day for a few weeks for £1500, so it’s not like they’ll be injecting nuclear waste directly into your brain. This can prove quite lucrative if you’re willing to jump through all the hoops.

Side effect: you’re pregnant!

4. CARD COUNTER

I’ll admit I don’t fully understand what this entails but I’ve seen the film 21, and it looks like a great way to rake in the dolla dolla bills. Think cheating…in a casino. Unfortunately, you need to be a Matilda-like prodigy at working out probabilities. And if you get caught on CCTV looking like you are struggling to work out the square root of 2366, game over.

Stick to the Kings for now

5. COFFIN FACTORY/ TAX CONSULTANCY

It was Benjamin Franklin (or someone) who once said, “The only certain things in life are death and taxes.” So why not incorporate this into a watertight business plan and open up your very own coffin factory-slash-tax consultancy business. It would go down a bomb on Dragon’s Den. And with World War III surely on its way, business will be booming.

6. WRITE THE NEXT 50 SHADES OF GREY

The New York Times Bestseller List has never looked so achievable. Go on, put pen to paper and get your smut on. Somebody would probably buy it.

Use your imagination…

7. PROFESSIONAL SCRATCHCARD-ER

A dream job to be sure. Who doesn’t love the thrill of scratching a scratchcard? Followed by crushing disappointment, and shame that this time, you sad fool, you thought it would be different. I checked and it seems the National Lottery don’t employ quality control scratchcarders so you’ll likely have to finance this career yourself.

My scratchcarding career during happier times.