Confessions of a Teenage Functions Waitress

Everyone loves the annual formal. Dressing up, a three course meal, taking as many free drinks as you can get away with and the cringe prizes – what is there not to love! Well, when you’re the one serving the food that’s about to be vommed back up or the drink that’s about to be spilt, the formal feasting is far from fun. From the drunk, the obnoxious and the downright rude, us waiters have served them all and sometimes wish you’d never turned up in the first place.

To the vain photographers

When you’re all dolled up in your dads smartest suit or the ‘wear-only-once’ dress, photos are a must. One at the start of the night to show everyone on Facebook how glam you are and then the millions that tell the story of the formal festivities. To be honest, these photos are usually the only way you can work out what even happened after those bottles of wine!

But there is a place and a time for your photo shoots and it is not outside the service door when the waitresses are serving dinner. You have no idea how often we say ‘excuse me sir/madame, do you mind if I just squeeze past?’ and instead of a ‘no problem’ or a shuffle we receive the death stare from the self-declared prom princess.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having photos taken and waitresses don’t mind taking photos when you ask, but burning yourself with hot plates because some girl wants to take hundreds of selfies in the aisle? That was not in the job description.

Photos – a visual story of how you go from fab to drab within a couple of hours

To the drinking disasters

Yes, you pre-drank (a lot) and yes, you have a hip flask in your top pocket or a half bottle of Glenns under the table – we’re not stupid, but at least keep it in you! One lad managed to projectile vomit before the starter was out, covering not only the table but some of his mates too. And who has to clean it up? Us.

And to the people who think we won’t notice you throwing up ‘discreetly’ into the drink jugs, we can usually tell when the Orange has become a bit lumpy; and it’s us who have to sort it out.

Where most people end up at the end of the night – the floor

To the fasting fools

Oh, you’re not eating at three course dinner event? Great. This is probably the worst thing about formal dinners. The amount of abandoned dinners that haven’t been touched and go straight into the bin is unbelievable!

If you’re not hungry, that’s fine, just tell us if you don’t want the food or give to someone else. How can students afford to spend £30 on a dinner they don’t even eat?! Quick mention to our future rock and map specialists who were clearly starving after all their colouring in this year and basically licked their plates clean.

The Europa hotel hosted a large majority of QUB formals

To the pompous pricks

From sectarian singing, inappropriate groping and finger-clicking, waitresses are victims of all kinds of abuse. It is hard to believe that fellow Queen’s students, and the future doctors of our country, can think it is acceptable to make comments like ‘you’re just a waitress, what would you know?’ We know what we’re serving so please just trust us when we say there’s no dairy in the fruit salad rather than insisting to speak to the chef, even if you know ‘your rights’ after one year of studying law.

To the polite punters

‘Please’ and ‘thank you’re are not hard phrases to say and actually mean a bit to a waitress who has been serving over 100 people that night. So thanks to those of you who have the manners to treat us like humans. Common courtesy is unfortunately no longer common. However, our future accountants couldn’t use thank you enough and the chemists amongst us were by far the most appreciative with rounds of applause for the staff after practically each plate was cleared.

At the end of the day, it’s our job as waitresses to serve in a way that you expect to be treated and this is what we try to do. But how would you feel if people treated you like scum? In Belfast a lot of people who serve you in restaurants, pubs and clubs are students who will probably sympathise with some of these views. Mutual respect is important and who knows, maybe if you’re a bit more charming towards a waiter, a free drink might end up on the table.