A guide to everyone you will ever live with at uni
Oooh flatmate friends
Whether you’re paying for peasant accommodation with one shower/toilet/hole in the ground between 800 people or you’re merrily pouring away the (thousands of) pounds of your student loan on the luxuries of an en suite and a king size bed, one thing is for sure: the people you live with are always the same.
A seemingly friendly but mischievously easy way to keep up with the exponentially rising numbers of conquests this one racks up is to create a tally chart of chirps. When it comes to playing Never Have I Ever you can count on this person having to drink a lot while shamelessly declaring: “A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do..” or “Shit, the birds here are well fit.”
The Mr/Mrs Relationship
He/she goes home every weekend to see the love of their life (and won’t stop telling everyone each time). Alternatively, this person hooked up with someone in Freshers and foolishly decided to keep it going, for better or worse.
The chain smoker
A night out for them isn’t complete without at least 10 packets of fags (or roll ups because who bothers spending seven quid on cigarettes these days) and one hundred trips to the smoking area until frostbite sets in and they lose all their fingers. You’ll know who they are because of the packets of Golden Virginia tobacco and Rizla in their room.
A close companion of the chain smoker, this person stocked up on tobacco in duty free on their last holiday and now makes a profit by selling packets to their new addict amigos.
The one who lives there but doesn’t really live there
Easiest way to avoid the extortionate rent costs of somewhere half-decent? Persuade the girlfriend to snap up palace-sized accommodation then halfway through the semester, move the entire contents of your abandoned, cupboard-sized hole in. Get used to seeing this guy around.
Probably pretty common on the more prestigious courses such as engineering or molecular physics but they’re everywhere and easy to diagnose: they stay in the library for 24 hours a day at least six times a week. You’ll never see them.
Not all students desire university buddies apparently, but unlike the workaholic they don’t actually seem to have much work to do. They just don’t want to see you. If there’s someone in your halls or flat you’ve not met yet, this is them.
The Mr/Mrs Muscle
“I’m going to the gym later”, “Gotta get another shipment of protein in soon” and “I’m going to the gym later” are all key phrases to listen out for when identifying the Gym Beast in your flat. You’ll find them in the kitchen every evening measuring the protein content of their chicken dinner and wearing their favourite wife-beater vest.
The club legend/promoter
At first, you though they were just another club-goer who couldn’t get enough of house music, being wavy and shuffling away into the AM in the edgiest venue available (or Bridge). However it only took a month for them to turn to the dark side and become a club promoter. Now they have about 1,000,000 Facebook friends.
Anyone want tickets to Klass? It’s gonna be a HUGE night!!
The minted internationals
Lets be honest, if they’re up for paying over £18,000 a year for tuition, splashing out on club VIP tables every week isn’t gonna do that much damage to the old bank account.
They always have a bottle of wine in hand, post links on your Facebook about how to get bevvied in lectures and obviously, get absolutely trollied every time you go out. And every time you stay in.
The shit dresser
Snapback/bucket hat, Converses that look like they’ve been mauled by honey-badgers and some dodgy, stained onesie with underwear hanging out the pocket. If you’re used to sights like these, you live with this person.
The Mr/Mrs Gap-Yaah
“Did you know I took a Gap Year?” Hearing about how you’ve had sex on every continent and gone to the [insert unknown drug]-fuelled, soul-finding campfire rings on the beach is shit. Go back to Asia.
The one with the accent you can’t understand
“Aye, yer aff yer heid elephant’s trunk.” Or in other words: You’re off your face drunk. It’s okay, it will only take forever to understand them, no matter whether the incomprehensible accent is Welsh, Scottish, Cockney or Northern. At least with Irish you’ll have fallen for their charm too hard to care what they’re rattling on about.
The best friend
Of all the crazy personalities you’ve been bundled together with at uni, chances are you’ll find some you really click with. By the time you graduate, you and this person will treasure the memories of every drunken night out, DMC, cuddle, beer-guzzling FIFA session and Domino’s/Megabite takeaway you’ve squeezed into your time at uni.