How to pretend you’re a health freak in Aber

Among the hordes of scruffy haired Aber students en route from bed to lecture theatre in their unwashed society hoodies and battered trainers, it’s pretty easy to spot those who would deem themselves the ‘health freaks’.

They’re not the most subtle of people. But there is a way to join this mysterious group of people who pretend to have their life together without actually breaking a sweat.

We’ve all seen them, strutting around town or campus looking like they think they’re better than the rest of us. They’ve probably just had a gluten free, dairy free, vegan super food smoothie in their best gym clothes and they know that they’re ‘healthier’ than everyone else. But its time to face the truth, it’s all just a façade, a means of re-inventing yourself at university without actually going to the gym once or even breaking a sweat.

You must eat exclusively at Crimson Rhino

They’re the only place that does Vegan smoothies after all. If you’re seen taking a massive nom out of a Spartacus Bacon and Brie Panini on your way up Penglais hill, it will totally ruin your tee-total image. If your cranberry and raisin sandwich isn’t in an organic sunflower omega rich bun, are you really even eating healthily?

Crimson Rhino is the only place left field and Vegan-y enough to prevent you from being outed as the imposter to the health freak order that you are.

You must always wear your gym kit to lectures

Doesn’t matter if you’re actually going or not (you probably aren’t), but health freaks always appear to be going to the gym immediately after lectures, and you must appear to be doing the same. Rock up, slam your oversized plastic sports bottle full of extortionately expensive protein shake on the desk, yeah, it tastes like shit doesn’t it, who are you even fooling but at least everyone else can see you’re drinking it.

You should also look down your nose at the unwashed, non gym-going masses with the smug look of self-righteousness that we all know and love.

Your entire wardrobe must be from Mountain Warehouse

No matter what you’re actually doing, you must always appear as if you’re about to scale Pen Dinas with a heavy pack on. It gives the impression that you are always taking part in outdoor pursuits, even if all you’re really on your way to do is mong out in your living room with your housemates. Remember, if you live on North road, you still climbed a slight incline to get home. Make sure you look the part for your ten second accent.

You must bore every one of your Snapchat friends with pictures of your healthy breakfast

I doubt there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t come across this mark of a health freak. They appear to think that people care about the fact that they’re eating avocado and kale on brown toast for breakfast. This is because showing off to your friends that you’re being healthy is the only benefit of eating this stuff; it tastes like shit and provides pretty much no energy or nutrition at all.

If you’re to uphold the pretence of being one of them, you must do the same. Obviously you should throw it in the bin and have a bacon sandwich once the snap is done though. You don’t actually have to eat like a rabbit to pretend to be a health freak.

You must tell every person you encounter for the rest of the day about your Gym session

You know they couldn’t give a shit. Even if Batman flew in through the sports centre window and joined them for a treadmill ‘sesh, it’s impossible to be interested in someone else telling you about what they did in the gym. But if you’re to pretend to be one of them, you must do the same.

Gym selfies are also a must, to make sure that even the people you don’t speak to in person know that you were in a gym today, even if for all they know you walked in, took the selfie and left. And of course, if you didn’t Instagram or Snapchat your gym sesh, how does anyone know you even went?

Finally, you must spend your entire loan on herbal teas from the Treehouse

You know it’s not really tea, and it doesn’t really benefit you at all, but the real health freaks seem to think that by drinking hot water mixed with dried fruit extracts, they are somehow ‘detoxing’ themselves, which makes it totally okay that they damn near drank themselves into a coma in Yoko’s last night. Silly as it is, you’re gonna have to get that Orange and Lotus flower down you and pretend it tastes nice. Best of luck.

Besides, we all know you can’t beat a good old cup of English Breakfast right?