I got my exes to review me as a boyfriend and it was pretty demoralising

When you complete an assignment, it’s natural to receive some feedback about how to improve in the future. It’s a logical and helpful concept, but we rarely apply this framework to more personal things in life such as relationships.

There could yet be mileage in this idea. After all, when the dust has settled there’s probably a lot you can learn about yourself from what your exes think of you.

To test this out, I asked four of my exes to rate our time together and find out just how bad it was to be in a relationship with yours truly.

It was never going to go well

The Teenage Crush

I actually went to Primary school with this teenage sweetheart, although it was only after reconnecting at secondary school that we fell for each other. While I know my parents and teachers thought I was a right little shit at that age, I wanted to know what she thought.

Looking back, we had a lot in common – including getting off with my ex-girlfriends – so I didn’t think she’d be too harsh. It seems like I got away with it on that one.

I’m officially worse company than my cats though. Shame.

The rollercoaster relationship

Another girlfriend I met in school. It’s safe to say it was a very up and down relationship. I always attributed the dramatic nature of this relationship to the age during which we dated.

Although I imagine she’d put it down to all the cheating.

All lies and slander. I only cheated on her with 14 people. If there’s one thing I hate more than a cheater, it’s a liar.

We weren’t the best to each other but we’ve managed to put that aside and remained friends. I imagined she’ll call me a douchebag. She didn’t, so I’m counting that as a small victory given the rest of the brutality.

The one who still hates me

This was when things got serious. We were supposed to last forever and even went to the same university.

Sadly that was not the case, and we broke up only two days into Freshers’ Week. The whole thing ended explosively, and we’ve never properly recovered.

Not the best

Frank and perhaps fair. I’m not surprised by this honest assessment, and there’s still a lot of awkwardness when we run into each other in Pier.

Considering how we broke up with the cheating and telling her to get tested, it’s a miracle she replied at all.

If anything, it isn’t as brutal as I expected it to be.

The first year fling

We were best friends who then started dating. On our first night as a couple I shattered a friend’s ankle and threw up outside the pub. I suppose that was only a sign of things to come.

I couldn’t screen shot this one because she needed a Word Doc to pen her dark, demoralising thoughts:

First time when I met Andy was probably one of the events during the Freshers’ Week on our first year in uni. Like all freshers, we had some expectations, dreams and plans for these few beautiful years in Aber. What I certainly didn’t expect was to end up walking around the town in the middle of a night while singing “Lord of Castamere” with the accompaniment of accordion played by Andy. It was just a beginning of our crazy friendship.

I am honestly concerned how much of our relationship each of us can remember because of the level of intoxication during these few months. Andy’s love to alcohol pushed him to convince me that spending my last money on booze and cigarettes is a brilliant idea.

I have to mention that Andy is also a terrible liar. Once we decided to watch Community together with the intention of calling it ‘our thing’. Every time we were watching the series he laughed and looked forward to the next episode, same as me. However, as soon as we finished the series, he confessed that he, in fact, saw Community before and was just re-watching it. The whole five episodes, 97 episodes and 2134 minutes based on a lie. He will never be forgiven.

I can’t even recall how many times I regretted coming out with Andy, especially to meet up with a group of people who were likely to get involved into a discussion with him. Every time I heard him saying anything connected with politics or feminism, I knew it would be long hours before we could leave or at least change a subject.

Despite all those months witnessing me talking on Skype with friends and family, all he managed to learn in my mother tongue is how to say “pussy potatoes”. I can’t deny it was an unusual choice of words but definitely not the one I would like him to present in front of parents. Well, fortunately it never happened.

After a break up, I had to leave the country for the whole year to recover and get my sanity back.

I’m done. I could write my dissertation on this topic only if anyone would give me my degree for it.

Ouch. She’s probably one of my best mates now, and I hoped it was going to be a bit nicer than that. But seeing as our short three months together in first year were spent mostly in an alcoholic haze I’m hardly surprised.

On the plus side, I’m happy to see the accordion is a winning pulling technique. Take note, fellas.

So, what did I learn?

The markers sent back their assessments with full, frank and meticulously honest detail. The whole experience has taught me that I’m not actually a big deal, and that sometimes ignorance is bliss.

The general consensus seems to be that I’m a pretty terrible boyfriend and, to varying degrees, I’m an even worse influence. I’ll blame that revelation on the Frosty jacks.

The overall picture was pretty positive. Apart than the one who still wants nothing to do with me after two years, I’m lucky I still get on with my exes.

But I wouldn’t recommend contacting your exes unless you want all the worse bits about you exposed, critiqued and condemned by someone who, in all likelihood, will take great pleasure in reminding you of your faults.