What your drug of choice says about you

If it’s heroin, seek help

It’s a long established fact that doing drugs makes you cool.

Everyone has their favourite illicit substance, with their choice providing a unique and reliable insight into their character.

You may call it stigma. But I say there’s no smoke without fire.


"I've got some piff cheddar fam"

‘I’ve got some piff cheddar fam’

Ever since that first puff you had on a single skin joint on a park bench back home, your life has been taken over  by “dat sweet sweet ganja”. There are two main categories of pot smokers these days: actual stoners and “BRAH I WAS SO BLAZED LAST NIGHT YA KNOOO LOL #420”.

If you’re the former, you smoke several joints a day in the comfort of your own home. You are content with watching David Attenborough documentaries about how magnificent earth is, and manage not to annoy your friends with anecdotes about that time you got the munchies so bad you ate a whole bloomer loaf and half an onion because you had nothing else.

But if you belong to the latter group, you once took a toke on your mate’s “reefa” and haven’t shut up about it since. No doubt you also bore your mates to death with borrowed and unoriginal arguments for weed legalisation, and regularly post snapchats of you and the “blazin’ squad”.


mandy aber

What goes up must come down

If you want to meet people who take MDMA, your best bet is to get down the front of a grime concert and look for the skinny white boy in the bucket hat who looks like he’s trying to make a snowy white powder out of his teeth.

If you do this drug, you’re probably the type of person who’s always up for a “mad one” and spend most of your uni nights out either throwing some hard shapes by the DJ booth or prancing through the smoking area, sparking up brief DMCs with strangers before wishing them a “sick night yeah” and drifting off to find your next temporary BFF.

You may also end up gurning your tits off and try to chew your own ear lobes.

You won’t feel so benevolent in the morning though, when you will likely be sat in your kitchen after making a duvet burrito of yourself and wishing your mum was here to make you your favourite brand of smiley-face potato snack.


Oh Hai gap yah memories

Oh Hai gap yah memories

This drug is probably your favourite way to snort away daddy’s hedge fund.

The firm favourite of the middle classes and plastic Bindi-wearing white girls of the Russell Groups, ket is the best way of saying: “I went to a festival once and I want everyone to know about it”.

It definitely makes you a bit of a dick, and leaves you wondering why all your friends left you in the queue after you spent half an hour shouting at no one in particular about how you used to love Mumford and Sons before they got rid of the banjoes.


Your mates are gonna hate you for this

‘I don’t like Charlie I just like the smell of it’

People usually dabble in coke use on special occasions – mainly because it’s fucking expensive, and you’d drive your mates insane if you used it all the time.

People on coke talk. A lot. Meaning that if you take it, you’re probably not all that good at socialising and sparking decent conversation while you’re sober. It’s often little more than a fashion statement, a way of out-drugging even your druggiest druggy friends.

Perhaps the most annoying thing about coke users is how they spend the whole night trying to find more coke when supplies run low. The whole night becomes a cynical, shifty affair shorn of the euphoria drugs should bring.

So if spouting verbal dribble all night and generally acting like a hyperactive child sounds like your idea of fun, then this drug is for you.

Just make sure someone’s there to take you home when your supply runs out and the lights come on (poor them).


Oh God why

If this is you, head to your nearest hospital

If this is your drug of choice, your life is pretty much over anyway. You’re not even reading this are you? You’re on the floor with a belt around your arm with all the facial expression of a bulldog chewing a wasp.

You’re not Pete Doherty or Kurt Cobain.

Stop it now and go seek help.