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I rated the loos in every AU building so you know where to go for a quality pee

It’s a hit or a miss and you know it!

Peeing on campus sucks, and no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise. But surely, there must be one building that has decent toilets on campus?

I've taken it upon myself to venture out into the gross world of university toilets to find the best place for you to pee when you're stuck at uni all day during exam season (let's be real we all know it won't be the SDR).

I'll be going to one toilet from every building on campus and rate them on privacy (one point for every door), functionality (five points total, points will be deducted for things that don't work), and vibe (+ or -).

It's just me, my water bottle, and my bladder on a mission to find a private, clean, and reliable place to pee.

Taylor: 3+

Taylor is not the worst place to go for a pee. You've got two doors between your naked body and stressed to fuck law students. It's also a relatively clean experience.

But there was no coat hook so I had keep my big jacket on and place my bag directly on to the floor… which is not ideal. The wall did wish me good luck with my exams though, so it gets an extra point for that. All in all, a decent experience.

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Good luck to you too, wall!

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Could've been worse, Taylor!

Privacy: 2

Functionality: 4

Vibe: +

William Guild: 3+

The first thing that struck me about William Guild was the fact that I had three whole doors, so lots of privacy!

But the loo roll was that really weird kind that isn't on a roll, it's more like someone shoved a bunch of Kleenex into a towel dispenser and somehow that's supposed to be good enough?

Also, while this wasn't a problem for me, the wall pointed out that the coat hook is 'too high for the standard woman'.

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How rude of the coat hook.

Privacy: 3

Functionality: 3

Vibe: +

MacRobert: 3+

MacRobert's loos weren't too exciting. The flush needed two tries before it worked and it only had that weird toilet roll.

But this was the first loo I went to that had a sticker on the door saying not to clog the sinks. Is this really such a big problem that the uni needed to make a special sticker for it? And more importantly, are these stickers only up in the women's loos?

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Privacy: 3

Functionality: 3

Vibe: +

Regent: 1.5 ~

The door to the stall in Regent opened really weirdly, so I had to awkwardly squeeze past to actually get in. Once I had successfully got in, though, I was delighted to find real toilet roll again!

But then the flush went on for a freakishly long time, leaving me standing there wondering if maybe I had broken it. Also, the mirror was off to the side of the unnecessarily freaky tap instead of in front of it and it was pretty high up.

The wall from William Guild would be appalled.

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Magic mirror on the wall, you suck.

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Is this really the best tap regent could come up with?

Privacy: 2

Functionality: 1

Vibe: ~

New King's: 2-

New King's loo always freaks me out a little because there's only one door and it's right next to the big stairs leading up the lecture halls, which means there'll be lots of people around. It's also always kind of gross.

Has the window ever actually been cleaned? There's a dead spider stuck in another, presumably alive, spider's web. But there's lots of space!

No coat hook, though, so the space is useless. Oh well, you can't win them all.

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Just get rid of the spiders, pleeease!

Privacy: 1

Functionality: 3

Vibe: –

King's College: 1001.5+++++

Up until this day I had never been to King's College for a pee before, and let me tell you, I've been missing out.

There were absolutely no problems with the toilet itself, there's a coat hook and an abundance of sinks and mirrors, AND the cleanliness was pristine!

Don't trust me? Well, according to a little plaque hanging on the wall, the King's College loo officially won the Loo of the Year Award in 1992! And if that isn't something to be reckoned with, I don't know what is.

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Little did I know I was in the presence of a celebrity.

Privacy: 3

Functionality: 2000

Vibe: +++++

Meston: 2.5+

For some reason the lights were switched off and there was no light switch to be found. Once the door to the stall was closed, I really couldn't see much at all.

Other than this, Meston offers a rather mediocre peeing experience. I didn't find myself needing anything else (except maybe proper loo roll and not the weird Kleenex-y shit), but I didn't leave with a smile on my face like with the Loo of the Year 1992.

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Where's the light switch??

Privacy: 2

Functionality: 3

Vibe: +

SDR: avoid

These toilets are the worst ones on campus and you know it.

Not only is there only one door separating you from the general student body procrastinating in the library, but the doors are not even sound proof. I was blissfully unaware of this fact until I very clearly heard the guy who went in before me fart today. SDR, you get all the minus points for privacy!

We all know that the flushing system is designed to save water but it would be great if they would actually flush properly, instead of leaving just slightly less yellow water behind. There are also a few, kind of dodgy stains around, like the really big, suspiciously brown/yellowish one on the wall.

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Why can't you just flush normally, SDR??

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My very serious journalism notes sum up my thoughts on that weird stain.

Privacy: lol in your dreams

Functionality: none tbh

Cleanliness: maybe next time

Fraser Noble: 9+

Oh dear God, Fraser Noble is an actual God-send. It's got three sets of doors, the toilet paper is the normal stuff, the automatic flushing system works perfectly, and it has lots of sinks and mirrors.

But its most distinguished feature has got to be the shower room. Yes, you read that right, there is an actual shower room and a hair dryer!

Admittedly, I'm not sure why it's there but that's not relevant because it's really cool and that's why it gets 10 extra points! You go, Glen Coco!

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Privacy: 3

Functionality: 15


St. Mary's: 2+

I can't say I was impressed by St. Mary's. It was mediocre in every single way except the flush. The flush was awful. It was way too strong and sprayed water all over the toilet seat.

I can't be completely certain that none of it hit the floor or me, God I hope it didn't. But anyway, avoid St. Mary's.

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Privacy: 2

Functionality: 2

Vibe: +

The Hub: 10+

I may be a little biased here because I love the loos in The Hub. You've got three doors AND those really long and winded hallways which means peak privacy from the outer world.

They're always really clean and have huge amounts of sinks and mirrors. There's even a stand alone mirror so you don't have to weirdly bend over a sink to put on your lipstick.

All in all, a very reliable place to pee.

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Not bad, Hub, not bad at all.

Privacy: 3 + the hallways so like 10

Functionality: 10

Vibe: +

My mission has come to an end, and I can safely conclude that while there may be a few good toilets, the vast majority suck.

But, I found the best option for when you're stuck in the SDR but desperately don't want to pee there, and my winner is Fraser Noble!

It's private, clean, and close enough to the SDR that you don't have to run to the other side of campus just because you had one cup of coffee too many (we've all been there).

If you're studying in Taylor though, you're in luck. Just pee in Taylor, or if you're looking for a luxury experience, treat yourself and go to King's College. Happy peeing, everyone!

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