Aberdeen Seagulls to be gradually wiped out

You’ve stolen our sandwiches for the last time

After generations of having our food stolen, belongings pecked at and heads shat on, Aberdonians are finally going to get the justice we deserve against the unique breed of Aberdeen seagulls.

Infamous ‘Sam the seagull’ stealing crisps from an Aberdeen shop

An officer confirmed that ‘the issue became even more prominent after the 3 days of sun we experienced last week, when we had children at the beach almost lifted from the ground by the beasts while trying to enjoy a simple ice cream cone.’

The subject in question

Multiple security measures are going to be gradually introduced to help the citizens of Aberdeen to protect themselves in time of need, and hopefully deter the seagulls from the area as a result. A selection of large nets are going to be made available in public areas for example, as well as a special ‘seagull repellent’ spray, which can be used for much more personal encounters.

There are also rumours of seagull castration, to effectively and more directly reduce the population of the pests, but as this would be a more costly, intricate and potentially controversial solution, the other measures will be tested out first.

Chins upĀ Aberdeen, the end is in sight for your days of picnicking in fear.

University of Aberdeen