All the reasons living in a student flat is like being on I’m a Celeb
I’m a failing uni student, get me out of here
It’s that time of year again. The time has come to abandon all studies at nine o’clock every evening for three weeks to watch ‘celebrities’ have their personal spaces intruded by creepy crawlies of all shapes and sizes and shove testicles down their throats to win a palm sized bag of rice. AKA I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of here!
As you watch with a relatively stable roof over your head, with that TV licence you may or may not have payed for, you may start to notice a few similarities between the cushy camp out in the Australian rainforest and your own student accommodation. You may have more clothing choices than beige and red, but there are definitely some uncanny resemblances.
Things that go bump in the night
What is that peculiar noise? A tarantula? A monitor lizard perhaps? Oh no wait, it’s just your flatmate stumbling through the door with that boy she was ‘totally done with’ five stumbles ago. You might not be at risk of waking up to bugs in your bedroom, but that does not mean that you won’t encounter any bumps or screeches disturbing your slumber.
You’re watching the celebs living off only rice while eating your last microwave bag of rice. You might as well be on the show. You could hack it easy peasy and would probably put on weight rather than lose it with those portions. To be honest, your appearance in club photos makes you more famous than some of them are anyway.
Beware of predators
A bite from a creepy neighbour isn’t necessarily going to poison and kill you, but it is still a worry isn’t it. Whether it’s that guy or girl who always seems to come out of their building at the same time as you as ‘a fortunate coincidence’, the seagulls that dive-bomb your late breakfast sandwich or your landlord who loves a good unannounced flat inspection, the jungle predators have nothing on those looking to feast on innocent students.
Your misfortune will be mocked
The digs your flatmates will dish out will make you wish you had Ant and Dec laughing at your inability to look sexy in the jungle shower. With their reluctance to let you forget your drunken antics or horrific assessment grades, your flatmates act as your very own pair of jokey Geordies. Look on the bright side, at least millions of people aren’t watching you spend the last tenner of your student loan on 40 nuggets in McDonalds live on TV.
Spending those Dingo Dollars
The decision isn’t whether your campmates will come back with half a digestive or a whole marshmallow each as a treat, its much more crucial than that.
Will they come back with regular or cushioned toilet roll?
Two ply or three ply? Basics or branded? Nice smelling washing detergent or the type that makes you prefer your clothes to be unwashed? Your quality of life depends on it.
The only difference is that in Im a Celebrity the camp leader is voted for, in student flats someone tends to nominate themselves. There’s the one who doesn’t clean, the bossy one (most often also the one who doesn’t actually know what they’re doing), the banterous one, the one you know is going to get voted out, the one you always forget is there, the one who takes everything too seriously and the one who is always up for anything.
The lines are now closed. Do not vote now as your vote won’t count but you may still be charged.
The time has come to reveal who you, the flatmates, have voted to take it the bins this week.
Give me a kangaroo anus or a mealworm to eat, I’ll take that over cleaning the shared bathroom any day. I’ll lie underground wrapped in snakes instead of de-clogging the hair from the shower drain. The bush tucker trials are nothing, send us students out there, cause there’s nothing quite like the resilience you develop living in a student flat.