Meet Tesco John – Aberdeen’s biggest wind-up merchant

Second only to guitar wifey, our local legend spends his days making your Tesco shop a very individual experience.

The controversial character is known for his sarky comments and creepy monotone.

But who is the man behind the name badge?

“I’m super, thanks for asking”

John moved to the city in 2004 from Kintore to pursue a degree in Politics and IR at Aberdeen.

The 29-year-old began working in the King Street store in his third year to help fund student life and soon became the face that, love or hate, we all know.

He is known for greeting his cheery customers with the very dry:”I’m super, thanks for asking.”

But somewhere down the line he’s found people who appreciate his humour: “I use my mornings to meet friends at the hub for breakfast then take a walk in Seaton before coming to work.”

This year will be John’s seventh year in Tesco. He said: “It’s been too long. But my job is a brilliant vantage point from which to witness the panoply of human stupidity.

“Honestly, it’s cheesy but I love interacting with the customers – most people are nice and you get to know a lot of interesting people.”

There are some King Street customers however, that John doesn’t take too warmly to: “I don’t like rudeness and vindictiveness. Or junkies.

“Some people (and so Tesco don’t kneecap me or send me to Guantanamo Bay, I must stress that this is only a tiny fraction of our customers) are not nice.

“I could do a 99 problems Tesco remix.”

And the student residents of King Street can sometimes become a bit much for poor John. He said: “Principally I don’t like it when people cough on me and I don’t like it when drunk people piss themselves in the store.

“I also don’t like it when a person with lots of dried in sick on their clothes tries to buy whisky or when my colleagues get threatened with hammers.” 

Rest assured John, none of us like it when drunk people piss themselves in the store.

He likes me, I swear

John’s catchphrases are notorious to us all, though he doesn’t claim to be anything special: “Originally, the “catchphrases” were for my own amusement to get me through doing a repetitive task at a fast speed for a long period.

“My classic “I’m super, thanks for asking” is from a song by Big Gay Al in the South Park movie, and a scene in American Beauty inspired “have a spectacular day”.

“I hope that hasn’t ruined the creative mystique.”

Whilst many of us may see John as a Tesco hero, John has his own idols: “He’s this guy from Austria who was originally a body builder, then became one of the most famous movie stars in history, then became incredibly wealthy and then became the governor of California; as well as making Kindergarten Cop and all the time retaining a thick Austrian accent.”

But some don’t take too kindly to Tesco’s quirkiest employee. He said: “After a night out recently I went to McDonalds and a girl who recognized me began throwing gherkins in my direction.

“My friend retaliated by throwing a Big Tasty that he had taken one bite of at her, but missed and hit her friend.

“The bouncer asked me if she was causing me bother and if I wanted her ejected.”

Spotted: Institute taking a selfie with BNOC Jenny Pirrie

And the ginger-bearded hero has a way with the ladies. He said: “Chat-up lines don’t work unless they are being used ironically and the person that you are trying to flirt with understands your sense of humour.”

“The best chat-up lines I’ve heard are: “Would you like to have sex?” If the answer is yes then sweet, if the answer is no then you were just checking because it’s a percentages game.”

With the upcoming Halloween celebrations, John is looking forward to his own night of fun, and of course the King Street walks of shame the next day: “As ever I’ll be dressing up for Halloween as a disgruntled Tesco employee who is annoyed that he has to work on Halloween whilst dealing with drunk people in stupid and crazy costumes having fun on Halloween.”

Finally, John reveals the elusive truth behind grooming that lucious ginger beard: “It’s pretty simple really. Once food starts getting stuck in it, then it’s time for a trim – you’ve reminded me, I need to do that.”

“Don’t you want a clubcard? All the cool people have clubcards”