Clive’s Column #5

Dear Clive,

I keep on getting a boner whenever I take a shit. So my dick ends up levering me to the seat so I can’t stand up and I can’t wipe my ass. This usually lasts about 4-5 hours and no one can help me because they’re too grossed out.

What’s the best brand of bathroom bleach to use for daily cleaning?

Dear Trapped in the Toilet,

Toilet Duck. The angle of the nozzle should help.

Other tactics are available. Get creative.

Dear Clive,

Any tips on how to flat hunt for second year? We’re first years and really don’t want to end up in Bedford.

Dear Fearful First year,

I assume you mean Bedford Road, and I’m totally on your side with this one. The number of people walking to and from the university library, as well as the cars arriving and departing from the retail park makes Bedford Road one of the noisiest and least habitable places to live as a student.

May I suggest Bedford Avenue instead? With the number of deaths and muggings that have occurred there over the past few years alone, you can be certain that the streets will be devoid of human noise pollution. Apart from perhaps the occasional scream in the night followed by horrifying silence and then police sirens.

You’re welcome.

Shit normally only gets this real in Torry.

Dear Clive,

I’m a medical student – is nine really fine?

Dear Pointedly Ambiguous,

I’m not sure what you want me to answer this question with as you haven’t qualified it with a unit of measurement, but I’ll attempt to answer it to the best of my abilities.

1. No, 9 is not fine. The age of consent in Britain is 16. As a medical student you may care to remember that.
2. The average penis size (for a male) in the UK is around 6 inches, so 9 in more than ample. In fact, you may want to take precautions with that monster, you could end up hurting someone!
3. 9 is not quite there. Add an extra 3 quarters and you’ll be on the Hogwarts Express in no time!
4. 9 is considered the most beautiful of numbers. 9 is definitely fiiiiine.
5. 9 is NOT fine unless you really want to live next to David Cameron.
6. 9 pieces of 8 is too many.
7. 9 is too many for a threesome, unless you divide the groups equally.
8. You’re still 90 red balloons short. Try harder.
9. 9 is a perfectly reasonable number of answers to give to a question.

   “I’m sorry, but we’re the future of your NHS.”

If you have a problem you’d like Clive to help with, write to us at [email protected] or message Clive on his Facebook page.