Clive’s Column #4

Dear Clive, I’m graduating this year but I have a phobia of hats – I don’t want to look like the odd one out in my ceremony, but just thinking about that cap breaks me out in a cold sweat. What can I do?

Dear Obviously just wants to be in the column,

I don’t think this’ll be much of a problem for you as you clearly like attention. However, if I’m wrong (which I never am) and you actually do have a phobia of hats I suggest going full force and expose yourself to the hat in isolation, for the whole day wear nothing but the hat.

Either way this should work for you, if you are an attention seeker then running around naked with a cap on screaming should play out perfectly. If you are actually afraid of hats then it should help you get over the fear, as you’ll have bigger things to worry about.

P.S. Congratulations on graduating, I’ll see you at the ceremony, you’ll be able to tell who I am as I’ll be the cat in the fucking hat.

Even fearless, you’ll still look like a dickhead.

Dear Clive, I’ve just started sleeping with this guy. We’re old friends and get on brilliantly and it turns out we’re also very good in bed. Neither of us want a relationship, it’s very much a ‘friends with benefits’ situation, but I’m worried about falling into the dating trap because we get on so well. We’re both leaving Aberdeen soon, so how can I ensure a clean break as just friends who had great sex?

Dear Useful RomCom idea,

Just to inform you I have started writing the screen play for this and have purchased full artistic rights to this idea, I am plugging it to Fox next month and will let you know how the meeting goes.

For obvious reasons I can’t tell you how it ends, but I would recommend going to see the film when it comes out. It’s going to be called ‘Just Friends?’ and Bryan Cranston and Emma Watson have expressed their interests in playing the leads, Stephen Fischer and Amy Cleveland.

She was having trouble letting go…

  Yo Clive there’s this girl in my year who like I totally wanna get with, y’know. But she says she’s been hurt by past relationships and doesn’t wanna get involved, how can I persuade her?

Dear Failing English,

First of all I’d like to point out that I don’t consider us close enough for you to greet me with “Yo”. Next time I would appreciate a more formal greeting.

Anyway, I’ve come across this dilemma before, and I can tell you that you’re going about this all wrong. You appear to be trying to start a relationship with someone, when really you want to already be in one. So what you need to do is act as if you are!

This might sound strange, but let me elaborate: start off pretending that you’ve been in a long marriage by kidnapping her and living in an old folks home for a while. Then, after some time has passed, move into a pre-paid house that you sell off bit by bit.

As you stay together longer, start having sex more and more. Start paying university fees for random students and then have them come live with you and put them to Secondary and Primary school afterwards. After 18 years, attempt to push reverse birth them into this girl’s uterus (This is the most difficult part). The knack is to put them in one foot at a time, once you get past the shoulders it’s easy.

Now celebrate by moving into a rented flat, going abroad and having lots of sex. When you get back from your holiday, get a divorce! Now you’re at the most fun stage of the relationship, have sex all the time until you’re ready to take things to the previous level and move into separate apartments from each other.

Start seeing less and less of each other until one day you bump into her at the place you first met, give her her number back and then never talk to her again!

You’re welcome.

A wingman or two always help the situation.

If you have a problem you’d like Clive to help with, write to us at [email protected] or message Clive on his Facebook page.