Clive’s Column #3

Dear Clive,

I’ve been illegally subletting my flat to a mate of mine, and it’s all been fine up until now. However, my landlord has told me that he’s coming to inspect the flat next week, and my friend has nowhere to hold up for the time being! What should I do?

Most honourable Flatmate-san,

While it is a most honourable thing you are doing by letting your friend stay with you, I cannot condone the breaking of a contract between a landlord and a tenant. As my grand master, Mr Miyagi, once told me in a samurai fever dream, that is a most sacred bond and it must be honoured. To this end, I say you should admit your sins to your landlord and the great Dragon Falkor! You must then remove your own tongue as redemption, before then committing seppuku!

Alternatively, tidy the flat and claim that your friend is only staying for a few days. It’s 6 and half a dozen really.

It might seem harsh, but you brought this on yourself.

Dear Clive,

As you know, it’s exam time. I usually like to do my studying in the afternoon, but by then the library is just chock a block with other students studying and there’s never any seats free to do any work! It’s beginning to become a problem, as my first exam is this Monday and I haven’t gotten nearly enough revision done! I know I could have done more if I’d gotten up earlier, but it’s too late now! Please help Clive!

Dear Rueful in Duncan Rice,

I totally empathise with you. I was once revising for my PhD in the Queen Mother library, and no matter where I went I was told the same thing: “We don’t allow cats in this library!”.

Well, as you can imagine, I was distraught by this, and I soon hatched a master plan. In the dead of night, I went in and urinated on all of the chairs in the library one at a time in order to mark my territory. I then went home and slept soundly, feeling content in the knowledge that I’d be secured a seat to myself the next day! Sure enough, I went in and there was nobody there! I revised quietly for a few hours and then listened to the soothing sounds of my favourite song, Wild World. As I was swaying backwards and forwards, the building suddenly collapsed around me. I attributed this to the 3 grams of catnip I had shot up earlier that morning, but I was told later in hospital that the library was in fact scheduled for demolition that day.

I think we all know what the take away message is from this story.

If you’re feeling self conscious about urinating in public, just start out like I did!

Dear Clive,

I’m currently living with one of my friends in a two bedroom flat, and he’s recently started seeing a girl he met on his course. They’re both lovely people, and we get along great, but there’s just one problem I have: they have REALLY loud sex. It normally wouldn’t be a problem as I’ve lived with couples before, but these two are still in the honeymoon stage and they are constantly at it! It doesn’t matter what time of day it is or whether or not they know I’m revising! It’s loud, invasive and sometimes downright disturbing! What can I do to stop this?

Dear Fuckless Flatmate,

What you need to do is get yourself a girlfriend of your own. And make sure she’s a screamer! You don’t want a polite little madam who will be considerate and courteous. You want someone who’s going to make people down the street think there’s a murder taking place!

Once you’ve gotten yourself a screaming significant other, just wait until your flatmates start their lovemaking and then start some lovemaking of your own. Nature dictates that the dog with the loudest bark is automatically the dominating party. To that end, so long as you and your hollaring hottie make the most noise in the flat, your flatmate and his girlfriend should become quiet and submissive in response.

By doing this, not only will your noise pollution problem be solved, but you’ll also probably have some of the most interesting and amazing sex you’ve ever experienced!

Should you be unable to get a girlfriend (or get a loud one), here’s a list of songs to help your flatmate along with his sex romps:

1. The Lion Sleeps Tonight – Tight Fit
2. Can You Feel The Love Tonight – Elton John
3. I Touch Myself – Divinyls
4. Jizz in My Pants – Lonely Island
5. Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
6. Fuck Her Gently – Tenacious D
7. (Something Inside) So Strong – Labi Siffre
8. Gay Bar – Electric Six
9. Relax – Frankie Goes To Hollywood
10. Lola – The Kinks
    Bonus round – Kung Fu Fighting – Carl Douglas

You’re welcome.

You may need a pair of these. Not to block out the sound of your flatmate, just to make sure you and your girlfriend don’t deafen each other during sex!

If you have a problem you’d like Clive to help with, write to us at [email protected]. or on Clive Basingstoke’s Facebook page!