How to fake that bikini bod

With summer comes a mountain of pressure. For many students going abroad either to tour Thailand, saves orphans in Ghana or go on the pull in Magaluf, one is required to wear a bikini and document it via facebook.

For those feeling impending doom over donning a bikini – ignore Cosmo and Glamour articles that tell you the way to a hod bod is through eating lettuce smoothies and doing weird breathing exercises.

This article will save you from the two week fast before your holiday by showing you how to get a bikini ready body, while still drinking pints every night and ordering dominoes to cure a hangover.

1. Use excess tan

The browner you are the slimmer you will look. Tan creates a shiny , all in one effect, so no one will be able to notice the lumps and bumps on your body. People will just see a glimmering , brown , blur and your cellulite will disappear under a mountain of oil.

Classy and slim – the ideal summer combo

2. Wear a large hat/sunnies

By wearing a gigantic hat you shall definitely look smaller underneath it and people will be too distracted by your hat to notice your body. Huge sunglasses will also make your face look smaller in comparison and will cover those big apple cheeks.

A hat will balance out your ghetto booty

3. Pose

Everyone knows the classic night out pose that creates a slimmer effect. Breath in, teapot arm, stand side on, be accompanied by your posse doing the same pose. To look slimmer you just need to stand like this constantly, making yourself as angular as possible so people think you are composed of limbs.

Ideally learn to survive without breathing

4. Wear something flattering

 Trick peoples eyes! Wear clothes that hide your flaws for example if your stomach looks like a jelly castle wear a high waisted bikini and tuck your blubber in. Redirect peoples attention using funky patterns which force their attention onto areas you want them too for example a bikini top with Nicholas Cages face should keep their gaze occupied . Don a pair of ridiculous heels which shall make your legs look slimmer and longer and force people to comment on them 

Clashing items will frame your legs perfectly

5. Avoid the dreaded water bloat

Just don’t drink for the entire holiday. As you dehydrate, you will sweat, making you even slimmer. Easy!

6.Look as glamorous as possible

If you step onto the beach with your hair glossy and straightened, false lashes , red lips wearing 15 necklaces and a belt for your bikini, no one is going to notice your body. They are only going to see how glamorous you are and the glimmer from the chains on your neck may force them to squint affecting their gaze on your bod.

It’s how Victoria Beckham looks so slim..

7. Stand beside a fatter friend

The reasoning behind this one is pretty obvious

8. Confidence.

You can trick people by acting like you have a good body. March around head, held high, showing off your assets and looking like you own the beach. If you act like your sexiness is an objective fact , you can trick people into believing it to.

Ladies, please take this advice very seriously if you don’t want to look like a beached whale this summer. Trust us. XOXO