Vicious seagulls flock to Aberdeen injuring 18

18 people reported injuries by gulls last year – we can’t let them get away with it anymore.

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Seagulls injured three people in Aberdeen last year, with 18 more people reporting being attacked by the violent birds.

The statistics, released by Aberdeen City Council, did not stipulate the extent of the injuries.

However, suggestions of broken bones and psychological scarring are unsurprising considering the viciousness and cunning with which these birds attack.

The monstrous specimens – at least three times as large as seagulls found anywhere else in the UK – have developed ruthless tactics for stealing food from the hands of broke, famished students.

One student, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear the birds will seek her out again, said of her attack:

“I was late to class having just bought an overpriced sandwich from the keystore on the High Street – already it wasn’t my day.

“I was walking along the cobbles to Kings, passing the grass where hundreds of students were sitting as it was a lovely day, opening my sandwich in a rush to get some brain-food in me before my tutorial.

“I took one bite and before I knew it a white beast swooped in between me and my friend stealing it from my hand in its beak.”

Playing dead is an effective mode of avoidance

As if that wasn’t enough, the student then had to walk past her lunch when the gulls ABANDONED it:

“It was traumatising, not only did I scream and embarrass myself in front of everyone, but the fucking bird just left it on the road! It didn’t even want to eat it!

“I think it was less about the food and more a postulation of dominance, of territory.

“It was terrifying, and I had to go to class malnourished. If I fail fourth year, you know who to blame. Their screeching gives me chills, now, every time I hear them.”

There have been countless attacks upon students by birds of late, with Warwick University even reporting a racist swan..

It’s true I’m real – and I’m also very very racist indeed.

Kevin Stewart, the MSP representative for Aberdeen Central, said: “Folk have to make sure they don’t feed them and they get rid of food in rubbish containers. If gulls have no food they tend to disappear.”

Unfortunately though, Kev, students also tend to disappear if they don’t get any food.

With this in mind, perhaps the time has come to launch a ‘Students Against Gulls’ (SAGS) campaign.

All those in favour say ‘Aye’.

 

If you feel affected by this article – or have a shotgun you are willing to spare – please get in touch at [email protected]