Tab breaks down Exec Committee roles

AUSA’s job descriptions for each of the Exec Committee positions are pretty dry.

So we rewrote them.

Enjoy.

President for Education and Employability

Education Pres is only hired by the university to pretend that they care about our education. The passionate officer who is voted in often becomes a martyr to the cause. (See Rob Henthorn’s gradual hair loss for details.) Concerning employment, their main job is to keep as many UoA graduates out of McDonald’s as possible, and eternally remind students where RGU graduates end up.

President for Charities and Communities

This president is recruited to raise enough money under the cover of charity to fund management’s end of year bonus. Communities is a conspiracy, when in reality they manage the media black-out of bouncers that patrol campus keeping the local Bedford ruffians out.

 President for Environments and Ethics

As the University’s direct contact with the mafia, whoever is voted in needs to have a hard edge to control rising drug prices in Aberdeen: top-rate weed is a right for all students, no matter their background. However, this does involve bribing said mafia with cheap petrol.

President for Societies and Student Activities

The role includes conspiring against the dance society to stop them winning society of the year award every year. However, the original Societies President also made a deal with the devil that ensures there are daily bake sales in Butchart to promote gluttony.

Student President

The Student President is employed by the university to raise an army of drones, all with a 2:1 degree classification, to keep Aberdeen high in the world rankings. They are also commissioned by management to find a way to tell Ian Diamond to shave without sounding insulting, but this near-impossible task takes up the majority of the year.

President for Welfare and Equal Ops

This Pres is hired to ensure the wellbeing of students by organising the assasinations of those who try to speak out against the system and disrupt the passive dissatisfaction of the masses. Also ensure the delivery of different sized condoms determined by ethnicity to halls.

President for Sport

Their main duty is to keep any building extensions ASV attempts to a maximum of seven years, but the job also includes organising monthly STI checks for AMRFC and ensuring a certain amount of bones are broken in sports such as hockey for the medical school to practice casting on.

Now that you’re fully informed, head over to www.ausa.org.uk/elections/votenow to cast your vote.

Voting closes 5pm Thursday.