Student evolution: first to fourth year*

The theory of student evolution has been much debated over the years. Many different concepts have been put forward and arguments over these concepts has caused division amongst both staff and students at Aberdeen University, leading to the Kings Campus crusades and the movement of the Zoology Building to across the road.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the topic of student evolution I shall be attempting to give an unbiased view which covers as many different current schools of thought as possible.

1. Pokeversity

Standard Monday Morning at the Hub

The Pokeversity school of thought is the most simplistic of the theories, it presumes only one type of student in each year, with very obvious differences between them.

First Years– Alcohol type;
45 Hit Points (decreased rapidly on a Friday night, or a Saturday, or Sunday… or actually any night of the week)
49 attack (only used when defending chips)
49 defense (again for chip related incidents)
65 special attack (hitting on other freshers)
5 special defense (avoiding being hit on by other freshers)
145 speed (when waking up and realising they have a tutorial in 20 minutes)

Moves– Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat (use in that order for critical hit)
Weakness– One night stands.

Second Years– Alcohol + Grass type;
65 HP (More resilience to alcohol built up)
79 attack (Bigger, stronger and more arrogant than their first year counterparts)
80 defense (Now understands what counts as a feasible excuse for missing coursework)
95 special attack (hitting on freshers)
109 special defense (now understand why the rule ‘don’t s**t where you eat’ exists)
50 speed (turning up fashionably late for all timetabled events)

Moves– Excuse, Arrogance, Gym, Weekend Binge
Weakness– Inevitable resits

Third years– Alcohol + Grass + Caffeine type;
106 HP (very little time to lose them due to work)
103 attack (telling folk to shut up in the library)
99 defense (knows lecturers better so has more leeway)
105 special attack (drinking coffee)
109 special defense (has perfectly good reason why they need to talk when you ask them to be quiet in the library)
190 speed (now has a car)

Moves- Procrastination, Coffee, End of Term Binge, Revise
Weakness– Hangovers

Fourth Years– Anything they can get their hands on type;
-3 HP (due to sleep deprivation)
-3 attack (due to sleep deprivation)
-3 defense (due to sleep deprivation)
-3 special attack (due to sleep deprivation)
-3 special defense (due to sleep deprivation)
-3 speed (due to sleep deprivation)

Moves– Self-hatred, Procrastination, Dissertation, Quiet night in with friends
Weakness– Impending doom of unemployability

There are also 5th years in other degrees, but they are not taken into account by this school of thought as they are not thought of as real degrees.

2. Darwinian Evolution of Students

Darwin as a First Year

This theory suggests that students suited more to work and with larger egos progress further in the more scientific fields. Managing to adapt to the increased workloads and early starts each year brings, as well as their ego being able to resist the crushing blows which gradually realising their own incompetence will bring.

The students who adapt more easily to a socialising and drinking routine slowly end up in arts degrees, where they can do almost nothing until they hit the obstacle of their dissertation. Fortunately all their acquired drug knowledge from over the past 4 years tends to help them overcome this obstacle, although many will be weeded out of the student pool in the process.

Medical students however seem to be the flaw in this theory, as no matter how far through the evolution they go they are still unable to complete the very little coursework they get and they never seem to gain the ability to wake up in time for class in the morning. Although their egos do seem to remain intact no matter how often they are put down, or how incompetent they truly are.

3. Creationism

Portrait of Sir Ian Diamond

The final major school of thought is that of creationists, who believe that each year was created by Professor Sir Ian Diamond, and that no evolution of students actually occurs.

There are a few major arguments they pose against the evolution theory:

The missing link- they put forward that contrary to the belief that students begin in first year and move their way up through university, there are many students who just come straight into second or third year. Other schools have argued that they may have entered from college or a graduate entry scheme, but creationists claim that these schools of thought are just padding their theories with more speculation, as creationists have never heard of or seen these institutes of which the other schools of thought speak.

The existence of both fourth and first years- they state that if fourth years evolve from first years originally, then why do first years still exist, although many find this argument so laughable they never get round to answering the question.

Missing Facebook records

Creationists put forward the argument that many fourth years do not have Facebook photos from when they were in first or second year. Of course the other schools of thought have pointed out that a majority of students do have these, however, creationists have retorted that these photos were merely Photoshopped and uploaded to Facebook by Professor Sir Ian Diamond as a way of further testing the intelligence of the students studying at his institution.

Professor Ian Diamond tweeted it- no matter how much evidence there may be against the creationist point of view their opinion is unlikely to change, due to a tweet by Professor Sir Ian Diamond several months ago saying; ‘Day 6 of Freshers week I have made all 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th years, now to rest’.

The Tab wants your opinions, what are your beliefs about student evolution theory? (I don’t though, so if there’s another Kings Campus Crusade it’s not my fault!)