6 things to give up for lent – with a twist

1. Chocolate

Chocolate is probably the most common thing people abandon in March in the name of religion (beats me). This is actually a ploy in disguise used by people everywhere in a bid to lose weight.

Apparently, the might of Jesus is the only thing that strikes enough fear in the heart of sugar addicts everywhere to give up their sweet tooth.

The Tab suggests giving up: All food. It’ll be quicker and far more effective.

2. Alcohol

Booze is another popular choice for all the Christians out there. For some, it falls under the same category as chocolate, and students realise the culprit for the infamous Freshers 15. For others, it’s a chance to see if they really do have an alcohol problem.

Those that are successful at it will get the chance to moan about how shit clubs are and take embarrassing photos of all the drunks around them.

The Tab suggests giving up: Speaking to people. We’d rather you do that than bore us with your shit chat.

3. Facebook

Social networking is the modern nail on the cross for many internet addicts and face-to-face social interaction. For students, Lent also falls close to exam time so it’s seen as a good excuse to get their heads in the books for those pesky finals.

Research has shown that those who don’t have an outlet to constantly update people on their dissertation-dramas actually manage to hand one in and keep friends upon graduating.

The Tab suggests giving up: Being an asshole. It’s not Facebook that’s the problem – it’s you.

4. Sex

Some choose to give up sex over Lent in a bid to pretend that that’s the reason they’re not getting any. It also gives these fruitless souls a chance to speak about sex and learn tactics from their promiscuous friends without revealing that they haven’t seen a naked person in six months.

Interestingly, as a sexless martyr, you’re more likely to land yourself a date because you now come across as interesting rather than depressed.

The Tab suggests giving up: Trying. #ThereIsLifeAfterLent

5. Swearing

Apparently, even for those who haven’t stepped foot in a church since their Christening, giving up blaspheming is a popular choice. However, it’s a little bit more difficult in practice than on paper and some pricks cheat and use replacement swear words.

Have you ever listened to a radio edit Eminem rap? Prepare for your ears to be assaulted on campus in the coming month.

The Tab suggests giving up: Uni. If you’re too lazy to successfully utilise your brain power to stop swearing for a month, then there’s no way you’ll manage a dissertation. Also, if your conversations include phrases such as “Jimeney Cricket” there’s no way in hell anyone will speak to you.

6. Lent

There are a few particularly self-professed (t)wits amongst you that will choose to give up Lent for Lent. OH MY GOD. That’s just so damned quirky. Look at these folk going against the grain, sticking it to the man. Independent thought is alive!

Shut the fuck up. Please.

The Tab suggests giving up: Your hair. If you’re that concerned with statement and humour, why not? You might not be sticking it to the main man of God, but we’ll get some laughs.

On a final note, Lent is a religious festival, and very important to many practising Christians everywhere. So The Tab’s final suggestion would be to stop jumping on any fucking bandwagon that comes running along. We’ve already commercialised the hell out of their saviour’s birthday, stop using his death as an excuse to be on trend.