Shock as Alex Salmond Opts for Independence

In what seems like a shocking turn of events, Alex Salmond has decided to go fully independent as he files for a divorce from his wife Moira.

Alex receiving high fives from the “Yes” party after news of his file for divorce.

Salmond stated that, “independence would bring great economic benefits”, although many believe that he’s just opting for independence because his wife is such a bitch and he no longer wants to put up with her. There has not been such controversy in the Salmond household since the battle over the dish washing at 17:46 last Tuesday.  The Salmonds’ got married on the 17th of July 1981, but what originally seemed like a mutually beneficial venture quickly turned sour once Alex realised just how domineering his wife was. During every opportunity that the household has had to change its political stances, Alex has found himself outvoted 15 to 1, despite being a separate individual entity from his wife.  The Salmond children have objected, starting up a “Better Together” campaign. Even Salmond’s 3rd cousin 5 times removed, David, gave a speech outlining his proud Salmond ancestry and how badly this decision would affect both him personally, and the Salmond household as a whole.

Alex has championed his decision despite these objections, stating that “It’s Scotland’s oil!”, though he seems to be confusing this statement with one he’s used in a competely separate campaign that he is currently heading. Moira has stated that she has heard him muttering similar statements in the shower in the morning.

Mr. Salmond is confident that he will still be able to remain a member of his local swingers club that he attended with his wife, which has many benifits for its members. However, Mrs. Salmond has stated her doubts that Alex will be able to remain a member of the club, given that he will not only need to reapply for membership, but membership will require the unanamous consent of the existing members, which includes Moira’s Spanish friend Lilliana, who has indicated that she would not be happy to accept Alex back as a member.   Moira has also stated that she does not wish to accept Alex’s offer of becoming “friends with benifits”.

The Salmond household has been littered with guerrilla advertising for his campaign, such as notes on the fridge which state “Get out”.

The referrendum looks to be held later this year, with the final result swaying on the votes of as of yet undecided household members, which include the cat, Mr Tiddles and the goldfish, Frank.

Join us next week when Alex Salmond attempts to gain independence from the SNP, and Alex’s brain attempts to gain independence from his body and become a soverign state in it’s own right.