People you see at ASV

It’s February and ASV is still awash with resolved beginners from New Year’s desperately trying to sweat their way into a healthy lifestyle.

But it’s also full of time-wasting wannabes, ignorant bodybuilding attempts and some people just looking for a date after the onslaught of Valentine’s Day.

It’s not many that actually spend a productive hour in the gym. In fact, it’s only the ASV staff.

The Gym Socialite

This girl’s gym motivation is not a toned bod, losing weight or improved cardio – this girl comes for the chat. Forget a pub or museum, the gym is the perfect place to hang out and gossip. You will normally spot this girl on the mats doing some vague stretching, always accompanied with a friend.

It’s like an episode of “Loose Women” but set in the gym. The medicine ball becomes the therapist’s sofa, allowing them to spill all the details of their lives. They can be seen lying on mats and sipping from water bottles like lattes. The gym is the perfect hangout for people who like talking and moving their legs around in some sort of motion. Leggings and cute T’s galore are this girl’s gym attire to allow her to do five sits ups while talking about the guy she’s texting.

The Poser

Finding the poser isn’t hard, just head towards the nearest mirror – shewill usually be taking a photo for her Instagram – a workout does not count unless it’s heavily documented on social media. Many photos are taken, descriptions include #nopainnogain #girlswholift #fit #workout.

She views herself as the Kate Moss of the gym, treating it as her personal catwalk as she sassily struts to the water fountain to seductively sip from the tap. You may find her on the stepping machine, the perfect setup for allowing her to waggle her bottom at passers by.

Breaking a sweat may cause a problem as how can one look fit with mascara running down your face? It’s hard not to stare at this lady when she walks past you, waggling her hips, wearing shorts that allow you to view a cheek every other step

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The Bro

This one is obvious. For the bro the gym is a natural habitat. He will often be gathered in a group around the weights recounting tales of their endeavors to get laid on a night out. The smell of testosterone bowls you over, hitting you with the force his one-rep max deadlift hits the floor.

Cardio is for pussies and they avoid it like lettuce on a dirty bulk. Protein shakes are the most fashionable accessory to any bro. The correct attire is a strap top that occasionally allows a nipple to peek out and invites people to admire the gun show.

For a bro the gym is the arena to demonstrate you manhood, competing with the other bros over how much you can lift. This is the modern equivalent of the medieval duel.

The Creep

There will always be one guy at the gym using it as the perfect excuse to ogle women. Sitting at a machine justifies his presence there and he may hold a weight to look even more legit.

This guy is easily noticeable by his beady eyes staring with interest at the treadmill or by the fact he’s sat at the same machine for 30 minutes right behind girls doing squats. He may even get up and wander around to find a better vantage point to watch for bodies bouncing up and down as they work out.

The Gym Maniac

This person is noticeable by the crazed look in their eyes and their sweat creating a safety hazard puddle on the floor whilst they work out like they are being held at gunpoint. Do not work out next to this person as you may be sprayed with bodily fluids, but also feel insecure at your inability to even understand how they can work out at that level – it seems to defy human physics.

Their legs are blurs of motion and you can’t believe they are attached to the rest of their body. In fact, they don’t appear to be human, anymore, and seem to take on a Terminator quality as they become a part of the treadmill.

The Team Player

This person loves being involved and therefore when his friends suggest that they should do a marathon for Marie Curie or a team orientation exercise, enter a football league, or whatever athletic event is in fashion, this person gleefully wants to sign up.

This individual imagines the fun, the t-shirt, the Facebook photos and his improved athletic abilities. He doesn’t normally enter the gym but now he is full of motivation and total determination to get fit for the event, telling everyone about his athletic plans.

He then does two workouts in preparation for the sporting event or forgets completely and moves on to the next big, athletic goal.  This individual can be found proudly wearing a top recounting he was on a team building relay race in 2010.