How to get a date in the Deen

It is time for us single ladies to emerge bewildered and confused, from our caves, as we sigh with relief. We have survived the terrifying onslaught that is Valentine’s Day.

But despite our best attempts at going about our daily lives, it has left some of us feeling like it is time to get back out there in to the merciless world of dating.

Here is a list of the ways in which you could meet that perfect someone and never have to sit in watching Bridget Jones and eating Dominos. ITV can be really fucking cruel.

Through a friend

‘BUT WE HAVE MUTUAL FRIENDS’

There are many positives to this, but most importantly it guarantees you are not about to come face to face with a complete psychopath. Good start.

Should your date go well and things start to progress, you don’t have the awkward first time meeting your friends. Chances are he has already met them. So far so good. You always have a topic of discussion to avoid those fearful pauses – your mutual friend.

But this scenario does not have a 100 per cent success rate – far from it. Remember, your girlfriend likes them, so chances are she is not going to mention the bad bits, like his undying passion for star wars or that incessant sniff every time he finishes speaking.

Finally, despite previously being a great thing in the beginning, he knows your group of friends. If everything goes tits up and you categorically don’t want to see this guy again, well tough shit. Awkward.

In a bar/club

This is the chance to strike up a relationship with fresh meat. He could be anyone, hell you could be anyone. Exciting stuff. This is perfect if you are looking to find someone out with your group of friends.

It guarantees privacy while you get to know the guy and it allows you to pass judgement without your friends asking you “Isn’t he smaller than you when you wear heels?” or “I’m sure he shagged a girl in my 6^th Century class”.

But that means there are almost no indications until it is too late if the three drinks he’s bought you at the bar are leading to him being with you for the foreseeable future, or on you for one night only – never to be heard from again. This becomes MUCH WORSE in a club, and also far more likely to be the latter.

You are wasted. Jägerbombs are £1 and your flatmate has just gotten an A on a presentation. Or something. Anyway, you have your celebration on and you are pulling out all the stops in da club.You forget you are in Prohibition and therefore your ability to identify a chav has gone out the window.

Who cares if the guy you’ve been grinding for the past hour is necking can after can of red stripe and talking about the benefits of working offshore. You have entered back in to the dating game and he could still be the one for you. No. Enjoy that walk of shame.

Online

Valentine’s Day on Tinder – our girl was a little lonely…

There are plenty of young, intelligent women on dating websites, right? RIGHT? This new craze has completely wiped out the conventions of normal dating and is vastly increasing in popularity.  With the phrase “One in five couples meet online” being thrown about constantly it’s no wonder people turn to POF – if only to escape the serial shagging that became far too apparent when your bold brunette to blonde move was to avoid recognition at the GUM clinic.

Regardless, there are some benefits to meeting the man of your dreams via the web. No awkward pauses, you don’t have to buy a new dress for the occasion and you have plenty of time to articulate witty, yet intelligent responses, instead of panicking and spewing relentlessly about the time your hamster escaped.

If conversation takes a turn for the “what have you been up to?” “nothing much, you?” “same” then you can simply block him from your life and pour yourself a glass (bottle) of wine.

Should any encounters online lead to stalker-like behaviour: “where have you been all day?”, “I noticed you were online at 2 o’clock this morning” “I’ve found your street on google earth”, then repeat previous actions. Just have fun sifting through the massive amount of nutjobs for that diamond in the rough.