Where to go in Aberdeen this 14th February

For the Students.

Sex Guarantee:  88% if she’s got a sense of humour

Start off with a stroll along the beautiful beach boulevard, taking in the rolling waves, bird calls and oil tankers. Remember to take lots of photos to put on your instagram  for later. Then grab an ice-cream at one of the many individual parlours along the beach front that don’t offer indoor seating. Perhaps partake in a round of crazy golf at the amusement park, and have a romantic but lust tryst behind one of the plastic obstacles. Finally, end with a ride on the ferris wheel at Codona’s and treat each other to a glorious view of Aberdeen’s beautiful skyline. Feel free to stuff your hands down each other’s pants to keep warm at the top.

You’re definitely guaranteed a good time if you invite a third person..

For the Locals.

Sex Guarantee:  40% if she’s as lazy as you

If you’re not willing to take on the weather like those brave romantics why not head down to Union Square and take advantage of having everything under one roof. Start off by having coffee downstairs in Costa, then perhaps go shopping together – you can steal some tasters from Hotel Chocolat, or even go into the Apple store and upload couple selfies to their iPads. Once you’ve done that, you can go upstairs for dinner at one of the fine restaurants, you can choose from Italian, Italian, sushi or noodles. Be a little wacky and grab a fro-yo from the corridor rather than dessert from the menu (ask for two spoons and feed each other sitting at one of the secluded tables) and then meander along to the cinema to watch one of the Oscar-winning treats that are always released on V-day.
Warning: you will have to vacate Union Square in order to get home. That or you could try getting lucky in one of the large disabled toilets located downstairs.

All the love you need under one roof

For Oil-Boy:

Sex Guarantee:  100% if she actually agreed to go out with you in the first place.

Hit PureGym three hours before your date to really impress her with your bulging biceps. Don’t buy a card, unless you make it out of dolla bills. Take her to Malmaison for a very expensive and romantic dinner – present her with jewelry after the dessert. Leave the car here tonight, you’ll see why. After, head straight to the Orchid for a few cocktails for her, whiskey for you. Square the barman if he looks at her funny. After, head back to Malmaison and lead her into the suitefor the two of you where there is a bottle of champagne and a Bibi’s Bakery gluten-free cupcake for you to share. It’s your call how far into the champagne you crack out the Victoria’s Secret underwear…

If you say so.

For the New Couple:

Sex Guarantee:  100%. Even a break-up would lead to make-up sex.

You’re so loved up Aberdeen feels like Paris to you. You’ll probably even tweet that. Why not throw caution to the wind and turn on your heating when you wake up to encourage some delightful morning-sex and naked breakfast-cooking. Cheapest V-day as due to the amount of sex you’re having you don’t have time to leave the flat to spend any money, or realize you’re not actually in Paris. Throw in the ‘L’ word for bonus sex.

Granite City of Lights

For the Old Couple:

Sex Guarantee:  Same as every other day.

Set a reminder on your phone – you don’t want a repeat of what happened when you forgot your anniversary. Nip through Bon Accord together pointing at things you want the other to buy for you (much more time efficient than spending weeks guessing and fretting). Arrive at Café 52 for dinner, realize you haven’t made a reservation, get drunk in your local instead (use the money you would have spent on that pricey V-day menu to cover the extensive bill) and then end up at your favourite chippy at midnight bantering with the owner before falling into your flat, and passing out mid-way through getting your kit off (but not before you turned on the electric blanket, of course.)

“For the last time will you TAKE YOUR FUCKING SOCKS OFF IN BED.”