Kristen Stewart’s poem reminds us an education goes a long way

Kristen Stewart recently recited one of her poem’s to Marie Claire during a cover interview, and I’m not sure whether discovering it, or that she had actually been stupid enough to cheat on Robert Pattinson, was the bigger assault on my eyes.

The intense shock that something actually goes on behind that glassy stare was swiftly replaced by the pleasure of reading what has to be one of the most inane pieces of drivel a celebrity has ever graced us mere mortals with. This is what a lack of higher education looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

My guess is she:
a) was monstrously high (every student knows this is to celebrate the hand-in, not for writing) or,
b) spent a couple of hours flicking through her dictionary to random pages, choosing the first words she thought the commoner’s wouldn’t know (you know the public can afford Oxford’s best work, too, Kristen), then writing them down next to each other and asking her dog where the line-breaks should be.

We’d be embarrassed too.

As a fourth year EnglishLit student I thought I would do my best to translate K-Stew’s verbal virtuoso into something we can all relate to, learn from and better ourselves with.

(See, she’s not the only one with a good sense of poetic licence.)

My Heart Is A Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole, By Kristen Stewart

My Heart Is A Perforated, Light-Weight, Rubbery Plastic Ball/Outshone By My Ego, analysis by Rachel Donald

“I reared digital moonlight/ – I woke up and realised I’d forgotten to shut my curtains/

You read its clock, scrawled neon across that black/ – you can tell time, which is why I cheated on R-Patz with you/

Kismetly … ubiquitously crest fallen/ – I just downloaded a thesaurus app/

Thrown down to strafe your foothills/ – I was born to destroy the reputation of Twilight’s casting director/

…I’ll suck the bones pretty. – I’ll blow you for my next part.

Your nature perforated the abrasive organ pumps/ – You’re so hung you hit my kidneys/

Spray painted everything known to man/ – and then you came all over my face/

Stream rushed through and all out into/ – You ruined my best sheets/

Something Whilst the crackling stare down sun snuck/ – I can alliterate/

Through our windows boarded up/ – I have hi-tech paparazzi defenses/

He hit your flint face and it sparked. – Emotions confuse me.

And I bellowed and you parked/ – You forgot I like my lattes non-fat at the drive-thru/

We reached Marfa/ – Texas is the only place I feel normal/

One honest day up on this freedom pole/ – They should put my face on the US flag/

Devils not done digging/  – (*devil’s)

He’s speaking in tongues all along the pan handle/ – My kitchenware is the only thing that is interested in what I have to say/

And this pining erosion is getting dust in/ – I need to quit smoking/

My eyes/ – (Smoke gets in your eyes, how original)

And I’m drunk on your morsels/ – Being thin makes me a lightweight/

And so I look down the line/ – I see Johnny Cash’s ghost/

Your every twitch hand drum salute/ – Nobody would dare call this mainstream/

Salutes mine.” – Everything that everyone ever does is all about me. #Burden

Robert’s face when he realised just how lucky his escape had been…