How to secure sex on Valentine’s Day

For men Valentine’s day can carry a burden of expectation. Boys, I know you want to fulfil your partners needs and be a beacon of romance and passion, a knight in shining armour carrying flowers and chocolate. Worry no longer because following our advice you can at least get the card right!

Follow the guide below based on an overgeneralisation of personalities and your loved one will be amazed at your acute observation of her wants.

WARNING: If her personality does not fit the guide you may need to get a different girlfriend.

a) Your partner is a humorous hunny. This gal can easily be identified as she finds everything funny. For some, her high pitched shriek would be annoying but you love her for it. She is usually attached by several other females also giggling at some unknown reason (who is this omnipresent comedian?) This girl will appreciate anything from a fart joke to Harry Hill. Clearly this gal loves nothing more than a good laugh so tickle that funny bone by giving her a card with a hilarious and witty message.

 b) Your partner is a posh princess. You can identify this girl by the brand names printed all over her clothes. She may have a feather boa around her neck, wear sunglasses inside, have diamantes stuck all over her body and she probably carries a chihuahua everywhere. This lady loves the material things so make sure it looks like you gave her everything a valentines card can offer: it needs to look like a toddler went crazy with the crafts box.  Just find a card with all the bows , glitter and love hearts possible.

c) Your partner is a sophisticated sweetheart.  Your loved one looks like she could be first lady and in her spare time she likes to cut ribbons and look busy in heels. She seems to have a starbucks attached permanently to her hand and can be found wearing monochrome most days. Choosing a card for such a lady is simple – the rule is keep it classy. Choose a card with a white background and fancy looking font to show you recognize your lady is a professional.

d) Your partner is a cheeky chick.  Your woman likes a dirty joke, she sticks her tongue out, swears in public, dresses like Ke$ha and sometimes may smell a little funky. This girl will want to see your naughty side so get her a card that shows you can be just as wild as she is.

e) Your partner is a hipster hottie. Your girl goes to gigs by bands with names like “cold, callous and ashamed”. Her favourite band are a harpsichord freestyle bee-bop three piece and her clothes are a mix of gran/urban outfitters. Don’t ruin this girl’s ‘500 days of summer’ dream by running into tesco for her card. The best way to this girls heart is by being kooky. Cut her card out of newspaper, write song lyrics on her mirror in lipstick or buy her something ‘ironic’ like a ‘My Little Pony’ Happy 5th Birthday card to show you know Valentine’s day is so damned mainstream.