Scotland’s first sober club night – Tab flees to strip club before midnight

Last night Garage hosted Scotland’s first sober club night for those looking for some late night entertainment that doesn’t involve assaulting your liver. RGU have been backing the event massively – there were even student support groups there, which was ironic, as I came close to starting my own support group for people who review non-alcoholic events.

Thankfully we had guestlist..

Earlier in the night I had tried to convince two Mormon missionaries to come along with me because “it’s booze-free – that’s legit for you guys!” But in the end the only unsuspecting victim I managed to lure along was a friend with the promise of free pizza and a pint beforehand to take the edge off.

I chose to be selective with some of the information I fed him and he almost spilt his beer all over Korova’s beautiful booze-selling bar when I told him the event was 16+: “Not only am I not going to pull because everyone’s going to be fucking sober, but I have to actively avoid some of the girls?!”

Double figures!

Fortunately for him there was no jailbait to be seen in Garage. In fact, there was hardly anyone to be seen. The bouncer simply shook his head when we asked how it was looking when we rocked up at 10:30, two hours into the event:
“You missed the ceilidh dancing…”
“Are there any students?”
“Some – but there’s also a group of alcohol rehabilitation people in there.”

We played it cool. Not just because of the 1-man security constantly looking suspiciously over at us, but incase a passing recovering alcoholic smelt us and went into a pleasure induced coma.

Strike one – the pizza was gone.

However, we were offered one free mocktail each – cheers Tab – and proceeded to sit in a dark corner watching four girls who were far too attractive to justify being there play giant Jenga.

“We don’t have enough people for Hungry Hippos.”

The fun-sponge bouncer inside seemed suspicious of the fact we were having a good time and so spiking our own drinks was a challenge, but one we happily accepted.

We tried to interview some of the people there but it proved difficult when they all stood in a giant circle on the dance floor swaying to Wheatus’ “Teenage Dirtbag” like some kind of ritualistic cult, so instead we went for a fag to see how our good pal the bouncer was doing:

“I’m so fucking bored. One of the guys in there just came up and asked me for earplugs because it’s too loud in there…”

“I’ve been snapchatting my mates this face.”

The other one seemed to agree: “At least when people are drunk shit kicks off and you have something to do – if someone’s wasted they don’t realize you’re kicking the shit out of them.”

Even the policeman that passed by looked slightly disappointed when we told him what was happening. We warned him that he better stay incase someone got too hyper. He refused to comment.

“The exit’s that way!”

After only a few minutes of being at the event, we realised the importance of alcohol in nightclubs. Not only does it numb the unsatisfactory experience of sitting in a loud room in a room full of people who you don’t know, but it also makes you less conscious of the fact that you’re a human with dignity, testament to our sober rendition of the ‘Cha Cha Slide’ song. It’s just not the same.

 On the feedback sheets we suggested that although the night was an ‘alcohol-free’ night, it didn’t specify whether or not it was drugs-free. Having a drug only night would probably be better than the normal night out at garage; just imagine trying to eat all the yellow spots on the Twister board or discovering new levels of paranoia with your friends playing Cluedo.

We lasted a commendable hour and fifteen minutes. But in a bid to blur what we had just witnessed we ran straight into the nearest bar upon bailing, which happened to be Bugsy Brown’s. For those that don’t know – that’s the strip club notorious for its huge measures and live sex shows.

A cheeky preview

Of course, there’s definitely a market for these booze-free nights  (not everyone’s dream Friday night involves spewing all over Union Street) and the events manager has since been in touch to confirm that the feedback they received from those who attended was great.

But our own ‘dry’ experience of Aberdeen’s nightlife drove us to whisky and my first lap dance by midnight.

We probably should have taken AA’s number when we had the chance.