“OH NOOO” wept lonely Dave, as he ripped his Nigella Lawson 2014 calendar up into shreds – producing a sad confetti of coked-out-of-her-mind-celebrity-chef + tears. The saddest confetti of all. Lonely Dave has just realised that Valentines Day is ONLY a week away! And he doesn’t have a date; in fact he hasn’t had a date in a long time. Oh no indeed, lonely Dave.

Dave isn’t a bad guy. Granted, he’s a geology student which makes him a little boring, but other than that he’s friendly; and not a dick; and has three nipples to his name. The only problem our homeboy D-Dawg (he hardcore raps too) has is that he struggles to pluck up the courage to ask out the ladies. A problem that may strike a little close to the bone for more than a few of the shyer students out there reading this eh eh?

Fret no more lonely Dave, for this guide is for the meek of heart, the shy of spirit; for all the hopeless romantics out there plagued by dreaded wrong place wrong time syndrome. And also maybe horrible banter. If you are in desperate need of some sweet sweet lovin’ in time for the cheesiest and most manipulatively commercial holiday of all time, look no further!

How to get hot babes: At the gym

A mistake most guys make in the gym is to appear uber masculine – grunting, groaning, flexing. What are you, a caveman?! Use your head friend, show those ladies you’re in this for the long run. The. LONG. RUN. That’s right chum – we take our mojo right on over to the treadmill.

What do girls want most in a relationship? You got it, a supportive hubby. So saddle up treadmill style next to your favourite gym bunny and let her know you’re A-grade boyfriend material as she runs metaphorically into your loving arms.

“C’mon Sarah, just one more mile” you whisper fiercely, ‘You can do it, I know you can!”. This isn’t creepy, it’s supportive. Girls love that! Reach over and hold her hand. She doesn’t like it? Too bad, it’s not like she can run away. You just got yourself a date! Probably.

In the Library

Ah the library, or as I like to call it, girlfriend skyscraper tower. A glass case of sexual energy. This isn’t a place of study; it’s a sacred monastery of tinder and facebook stalking and dear LORD does anyone even remember the Aberdeen uni library Spotted page? A lot of hooking up happened in those disabled toilets and, for better or worse, we need to come to terms with it.

Stride over to a beautiful babe and say something charming, like “Good gravy that librarian is a BITCH isn’t she?” Or do something charming, like take one of her course books and throw it at that very same librarian. Or invite her “downstairs” for a god-awful cup of coffee in that god-awful cafe. The possibilities are endless.

Even if you strike out, there are still 7 WHOLE FLOORS of young hunnies to get through. Happy hunting you beautiful lonely bastard.

In a Tutorial

You spotted this stone cold HOTTY from afar in a lecture a couple of weeks ago, and by some miracle you’ve both ended up in the same tutorial class. Thank Jesus! Let’s get intimate. With the girl I mean.. Not you, Jesus.

Ever seen Good Will Hunting? Well she has, and guess what? She freakin’ loved it! Ladies LOVE smart guys, which is why you gotta be dropping bad boy knowledge bombs all OVER this house. Don’t bring notes or prepare in any way for the class though, that’s for nerds. Follow your heart instead; be disproportionately confident and vocal compared to the rest of your peers in the group.

Lean back really far in your chair – the ladies dig it. Challenge the lecturer taking your tutorial, shoot down every word they say aggressively and with a sexual flair. This is classic alpha male behaviour, and after all is said and done she’ll be drooling over the top dog – YOU – for a more “private” study sesh. Laws of the jungle baby.

In the Subway Queue

The Subway queue is a lot like life; important decisions have to be made fast, and there are very real consequences for said decisions. Italian B.M.T. or Meatball Marinara?!; The Sophie’s Choice of sandwiches. Here, the men are truly separated from the boys. And what kind of men do women want? A man that takes CONTROL.

Identify a real SMOKESHOW of a babe and, as she steps up to order, pull her aside – purr something cool like “I got this baby doll” as you forcefully order the subway for her, relieving her of the heavy burden that is sandwich choice.

Pay no attention to her wails of protest: “But I’m allergic to cucumbers!” she cries.
“Nonsense” you urge, “She’ll have the cucumbers, I INSIST upon it.” Take her to a table and hand feed your new girlfriend the delightful meal you (kind of) prepared for her.

“Masculine.” “Control.” “Boyfriend.” “Awesome.” These are just some of the words those people pointing at you from the surrounding tables are whispering to each other in an effort to describe your magnificence. Even that security guard running towards you yelling into his walkie talkie seems excited that you finally bagged a lady! Hooray!

On the Dancefloor

Be a dirty slut whore.

Unless you’re in Coco on a Tuesday, in which case best put on a shirt and tie. Then be a dirty little slut whore.

Happy Hunting!