Full Body Security Scanners arrive at Aberdeen Airport

The machines were introduced to combat the threat of non-metallic improvised explosive devices- previously known as ‘liquids over 100ml’.

Like every pre-pubescent boy’s dream the machines scan through clothing and represent any suspicious looking items on a 2D stick figure on-screen in the relevant location. Passengers are already concerned about the rise in ‘moob’ jokes that may follow. One tax-payer with a particularly excitable imagination is worried about embarrassing ‘nipple-tassle post-it note’ stuck to such relevant locations. She said, “They’ve pretty much made the job of security guard useless, I have no doubt they are going to take their boredom out on us, the public – just wait, twitter is going to be heaving with 2D security caricatures!”

An over-zealous passenger gets a bit ahead of himself..

Up until last Friday anyone unwilling to be rendered in the very slimming two-dimensional form was refused access to their flight, however private body searches are now available for those who wish to get fully naked in front of a fellow human being rather than in front of what is effectively a large fax machine.

Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin reported that, “nearly all passengers accept the use of security scanners and find the process quick and convenient.” Well, sure, unless you used to get your annual jollies from a public airport security frisking.

It’s a sad day for perverts everywhere.