The Tab’s guide to Tinder etiquette

Tinder is the final nail in the coffin of modern society. It’s a bit like when the Black Death spread through 14th century Europe, and everyone who was still alive had sex with each other because YOLO.

The internet has broken down all usual forms of social interaction, so if you don’t want to live alone with your cats forever, you should probably get with the programme.

On that note, here is a handy guide to finding love on Tinder.

• Use three profile pictures maximum. The more you have, the less photogenic you become.
• Don’t use a picture of your wedding, wife, or girlfriend.
• Don’t think that taping a picture of your mother over your girlfriend makes it look any better.
• Don’t use a large group picture. People will assume you are the ugly friend.
• Include animals whenever possible, especially small ones. People love animals.

• If you insist on having one, keep it short and snappy.
• No ‘painful life’ essays.
• No CVs. If you are looking for employment through Tinder, you might have better luck with a card in a phone booth.

• How far are you willing to travel for ‘love’?
• One mile is lazy, 100 miles is expensive.

• Age is just a number, baby.

• Choose people with mutual friends whenever possible. This makes you statistically less likely to get murdered.
• If you have mutual friends, you can stalk your matches on facebook. This means you can use a much more personalised opener to your conversation, and people like it when you take an interest in their lives.

• It can be difficult to find people with mutual interests, so don’t let this deter you. Perhaps they need you to introduce them to snarfing and taxidermy.

• Congratulations! You made a match. Don’t get too excited though — it might have been an accident.
• Don’t open with ‘dtf?’ – be polite and say hello first.
• Use a pun or a song lyric if you can. Lionel Richie lyrics have a 40% success rate.
• Otherwise, ask a question. People naturally like to reply to questions, it makes them feel special.

• Don’t like your parents or siblings, it is considered to be poor form.
• Some people might get angry if it turns out you are in a relationship. Ignore the haters — you are in demand.