Club Profile #2: AUMFC

Ah, the University Football Club. The lad culture. The incessant boozing. The inexplicable but utterly unshakable hatred of anything rugby. There are many reasons to consider joining arguably Aberdeen’s biggest and messiest sports society. Last season the first team excelled by finishing second in their debut season in the premier division, whilst the seconds and fourths both achieved marked league improvements and the thirds won silverware in the form of the BUCS Plate. The nights out are outrageous, the matches robustly competitive, and the shirts n’ ties poorly ironed. Cop a gander at this eccentric trio of rebel mavericks who rarely play by the rules…

Jordan ‘BJ’ Smith – Mr. Tour

BJ loves tour. These are the three truest words in the whole world. A wide-eyed and hyperactive young man of the ginger disposition, his drunken antics are the stuff of campfire folklore: he is more myth and animal (and cheap Tesco vodka) than human in the eyes of the club. He was an absolute liability on tour, culminating in a penis being shoved into his ear as he lay unconscious in a pool of his own bad life choices. BJ is thus quite rightly the tour convenor this year, and is already organising what looks to be a week of absolute mayhem in Salou in conjunction with the women’s netball team. So, if you want to get legendarily drunk, pass out and have a phallus roughly shafted up your earlobe BJ will happily sort you out.

BJ seen here in his natural habitat (a fucking mess)

Matty Main – The Club Legend

Through sheer charisma and the legacy of a hundred and one truly crap shirts, Matthew’s influence still looms large over the club, particularly his beloved ‘Colts’ third team. Often found on a night out propping up the bar or delivering insightful advice/abuse to overwhelmed whippersnapper freshers, Matty’s always at the heart of the action. An experienced centre-half with a nose for the odd ‘spectacular’ goal- and goal celebration- Mr Main is a presence.

Matty Main. Before the dementia kicked in…

Dan Smith – The First Team Captain

For four years Dan has starred in the centre of the first team midfield. A technically fantastic player as well as a natural leader, wee Dan has always been regarded as one of the most gifted and key players within the entire club. In conjunction with Club Captain- cockney geezer Max Williams- Dan is in charge of organising and leading everything AUMFC. This is the man to speak to about meeting, joining and drinking with the football club. His other keen interests include eating his own tie and the ubiquitous slogan ‘unay’.

Dan (left), part of AUMFC’s three stooges. The future’s bright / the future’s shite.

Club Captain email: [email protected]

Club Website: abdnfootball.co.uk

Next up? AUWHC – The Belles of the Hockey Club.