Bouncer Logic: how to get past me

Dear Freshers,

I am a normal guy, I listen to ELO’s ‘Mr Blue Sky’ sitting down in the shower when I’m hungover, I like the smell of petrol and I enjoy spending lottery money in my head without buying a ticket. I’d say I was a bit of a fuddy-duddy at times, I err toward order from chaos.

I am also what most people would call a “bouncer”.

I have been a bouncer for over a year in this thriving student metropolis of Aberdeen. I have seen some of the most ridiculous, funny and eye-opening antics from inebriated students and as a result have lots of stories to divulge. (Watch this space…)

In this article I shall tell you industry secrets to ensure you get into and staying in clubs and have a great night.

1. If your friend can’t get into a club because they’re too drunk then fear not.

Get water and some sort of carbs in them (chips and cheese), let them sit for half an hour and it’ll make the world of difference. Trust me.

2. If you are a girl then please bring flats. You can’t walk sober in heels, how will you manage after all those alcoholic sugar waters you drink?!

3. Have ID ready. The reason you’re waiting for so long in queues is because everyone is fumbling in front of you for theirs.

4. Play nice with those bottles, dropping them on the dance floors of venues is easier, however your friend slicing open their foot on glass isn’t cool.

And someone has to pick them up; just because you’ve had a few cans doesn’t mean it’s alright to act like a dickhead.

5. Hypochondria is without doubt the single most annoying trait known to man. Have a look at yourself subjectively from time to time.

If you’re being a diva, someone will be watching you laughing. Don’t get tarred with that brush.

5 top tips. I shan’t be as kind next time, ultimately being it pisses me off to see people not acting like the human beings that they have the privilege to be.

Have a great time and stay safe.

The Bouncer