A – ASV

If your idea of a perfectly executed hangover is to dodge steroid riddled Neanderthals whilst hearing tubby girls sweat off their fake tan and tell each other how skinny they look…welcome to Aberdeen Sports Village. You have not fully comprehended human misery until you step into that gym.

B – The Bobbin

Listen fresher, do you enjoy standing at a bar for ten minutes watching the one barman working scrolling through his phone? Maybe you enjoy a nice beer garden that shares a wall with a bus shelter?  Hey, every student union has to be a bit scummy doesn’t it? Hang on though; this place is not our student union. We don’t have one. Oh wait your induction pack didn’t say that!? WOOPS.

C – Chaplin’s/Cheers

Nothing sums up Aberdeen’s strange collective personality disorder than these two gay bars.  Cheers, a well-lit bar full of happy, horny gay men and women.  And then there is Chaplin’s. Lots of people have heard about it, lots of people know roughly where it is. Few have entered the labyrinth. Chaplin’s speaks to the desperado in all of us. Go there. I mean it.

D – DEATH TO THE ENGLISHMAN

Up here in the sunniest city in Scotland, we have been cut off. The local Aberdonian accent has developed to such a degree that I’m not sure if even they know what they’re talking about.  If you are of a southern persuasion studying here and no random Scot has ever expressed his disgust with you by hurling an assortment of abuse, fists and half-eaten kebab in your general direction then I’m sorry Barnaby, but you’re just not doing it right.

E – Englishmen abroad

You’ll realise there is an abundance of us Englishmen messing about up here. It’s because the Scottish unis love us. You free-loading Scots get all your education for free whereas we have to pay. You ask that Salmond man what he sees when he sees an English student. He sees a big bloody pound sign. If, like me, you have been banished from that green and pleasant land then just fucking admit it. Your first choice was in England and you just didn’t get the bloody grades did you. LAZY.

F – ‘Fits’

At some point during your lovely stay here a local at some point will begin a conversation with you. You will stutter nervously back at her as she smells your fear and hones in on you. At some point she will say the word ‘fits’ followed by some barely comprehensible words. She will suddenly fall into an eerie silence and her sharp eyes will bore into your very soul. No advice – all you can do is pray.

G – Grub

Grub: on the one hand, the Mecca of the social climber that happens to stock a delicious array of paninis. Unless you don’t like cheese. If you play LAX or rugby or you fancy yourself a unay BNOC then you’ll love it. If you are of a more human disposition, you will quickly tire of dodging the mon gilets and the incessant chatter about Jamie’s craaaaazy strawpedo last night.

One of the enemy.

H – Hillhead

If we’re talking true halls hardship, you’ll know that H really stands for Hector Boece. Those who live in that beautiful favela come out happy and drained. If, however, you are one of the chosen few to survive the Hector Boece holocaust and you never refer to it as ‘the ghetto’ then you are worthy of the alumni’s respect. On another note, if you live in New Carnegie then don’t come through. We don’t like you or your Jack Wills.

I – Ice

Hey girl, you know what is really fun and pretty and just soooo good for your Facebook cover photo? When Aberdeen spends a month or so covered in a crisp layer of snow. And joy of joys, everyone knows that when it snows every single personal vendetta, no matter how deep, can be ended by a joint chasing of the resident fat boy. No snow here though, just ice. No peace processes: just a fat boy blubbering. Stick that in your cover photo.