What New Year’s resolution you should make based on your 2022 personality type

There are just a matter of hours left of 2022 and if, like me, your TikTok For You Page has been flooded with fitness vids and glow up inspiration you might have started panicking that your self improvement journey needs to start right this second. But, let’s be honest, the old school resolutions aren’t going to hit the same this year because we’re all embracing our delusions that we’re fitter, hotter and more successful than ever before. So, what else is there to work on?

Well, in case you’re in the mood for a little end of year humbling, we’ve analysed every big personality type that emerged in 2022 and found the Achilles’ heel of each archetype to give you the exact New Year’s resolution you should make based on your overall vibe:

Depop girlies

Do not, under any circumstances sign up for Vinted. The rest of us finally have access to reasonably affordable vintage and second hand garms and if you gentrify this app like you did the last one with your Y2K hashtags there will be fury. Essentially, I’m asking for your resolution to be: hustle slightly less hard. And leave some of the fake tan stained Nike T-shirts for the rest of us.

Rugby boys

Stop saying rizz when you evidently have none. And throw away your grimy 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner.

Elf bar obsessives

I’m not going to tell you to take up proper smoking. But what I am going to tell you is there is nothing sexy about an adult sucking on a plastic crayon. I’m guessing you spend more time swiping on Hinge than actually interacting with other humans. So, your goals of 2021 are simply to get laid— and maybe some fresh air.

Clean girl aesthetic emulators

Turn your alarm off and stop waking your housemates up at 5am with your juice blender. We get it, you need your matcha green tea smoothie to get you going for the day. But it’s crazily inconsiderate to rope everyone else in your hungover home along for the ride. Please, start meal prepping your drinks the night before, too.

Disney adults

Fundamentally, you’re one of the most terrifying groups of people currently in existence on the globe and your bedroom is starting to look like a Piglet shrine. Your goal for 2023 is to finally admit to your mother that you actually like something outside of the Magical Kingdom universe now that you’re 27 years of age. Scary.

Anyone entering their villain era

Really, entering your villain era is just another way of saying you’ve finally set boundaries in your life. Previously, you’ve probably been a people pleaser. So, don’t avoid prioritising yourself just because it feels “mean”. That 2Am booty call isn’t ringing you because they need advice on a life crisis. And you don’t need to fold your housemates’ laundry every week just because they seem stressed. End of.

Mullet hair cut apologists

It doesn’t matter what the boys from the TikTok Fitzroy garage sesh are telling you, mullets are over in 2023. If you’re happy to wander around with a glorified rat’s tail at the back of your neck, you might be lacking in some other hygiene fundamentals too. So, in the New Year, commit to cutting your nails. Not biting. Cutting.

Feral pick me people

Ooooh you never have your nails done and your life is constantly in this quirky sense of disarray. Well, as our lord and saviour Timothée Chalamet told us: “Life comes from you. Not at you”. So, let’s prepare a little better for 2023. Buy a diary, call your mum, try not to make the pub or club your entire personality for another year.

TikTok astrologists

DO NOT meet up with the bastard that broke your heart three years ago just because the latest Mystic Meg on your For You Page told you “someone whose name begins with the letter L is thinking about you”. For the next 12 months you’re going to be more pragmatic. No clutching for signs. No scrambling for signals. No prophesying the man whose name makes all your best friends sigh has been hospitalised just because he left you on read.

Stay at home girlfriends

Minimise your skin care routine. Nobody needs a bee venom face mask.

Featured image via Miramax 

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