attachment styles and sex

What your relationship attachment style says about your sex life, according to an expert

Not all of us can have steamy Bridgerton-style sex, sadly

It’s coming to the end of the year – and if Hinge Wrapped and TikTok dating PowerPoints tell us anything, it’s that we’re all starting to get a bit retrospective of our year in sex. It’s always interesting to look back at who we’ve shagged throughout the year: The ones we stayed in contact with, the ones we went on to date, and the ones we’re happy to never, ever hear from again.

As much as we like to think we’re unattached, aloof and cool about hooking up, though, experts now say our sex lives are more intertwined with our relationships than we think. Psychotherapist Stina Sanders, 31, reckons our relationship attachment styles (revise them here, pls) heavily influence the way we have sex.

This means how we treat our partners (when we have them) translates through to the things we’re looking for sex-wise. Like, if you’re typically “needy” in a relationship, you’re probably more likely to use casual sex for an ego-boost.

According to Stina, these are the three relationship attachment styles – and what they likely say about your sex life:


anxious attachment

Photo via NBC/Netflix

People with an anxious (or “clingy”) attachment style are more likely to seek validation sex than other people. This means they’re most probably shagging for a self-esteem boost, or for reassurance that they deserve intimacy, just like everybody else.

“People with anxious attachment probably felt a lack of love and security in their childhood,” Stina says. “Anxious attachers use sex to get approval and validation from their partner.”


the bisexual

Photo via Channel 4/Netflix

If your relationship style is avoidant, you’re totally fine with casual sex and most likely don’t feel the need to contact the person again afterwards. You think sex is a bit of fun, and you don’t necessarily need a super-close bond with the other person in order to get off.

It’s even possible, according to Stina, that avoidant attachers are much more comfortable having “meaningless” sex than trying to form close relationships with people. “Avoidants fear intimacy and sex and intimacy can make an avoidant attacher very uncomfortable,” she says. “(They’ll) have fewer long-term relationships and prefer casual sex or will abstain from sex entirely.”


the office

Photo via Netflix

Secure attachers are probably having the best sex, let’s be honest. While single, they don’t feel the need to hook-up with people just for the sake of it (unless they just fancy it, obvs). They’re totally comfortable within themselves and are more focused on finding long-term partners to have 50,000 different orgasms with. Lucky ducks.

Stina says people with a secure attachment style are most likely to get a bit adventurous once they’re comfortably within a relationship: “They’re more likely to be spontaneous and experimental in the bedroom because they don’t feel judged or pressured.”

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Featured image via Netflix.