What coat a guy wears everyday will determine exactly how much he’ll ruin your life

Fuckboys are an ever evolving phenomenon and not all wrongens are as easy to spot as the DM sliders that message “you up?”  at 2AM. No, sniffing out a player now requires actual detective work and there are certain fashion choice indicators that can help you solve the case.

We’ve already taught you how to identify how much of a heartbreaker a fuckboy may be by his shoes, but in case that wasn’t extensive enough, here is a definitive guide on the red flag coats that could warn you you’re in, serious, serious, romantic trouble:

North Face puffer jackets

This one is obvious but worth giving attention to because the North Face fuckboy can come in a few shapes and sizes. These variations include but are not limited to: the home counties rah guy pretending to be more down to earth than he is, the South London roadman who’s owned his since 2017, and the chancer who found his on Vinted for £50 and thought he may as well match his mates. They will all give you a headache.

Danger rating: 5/10

Why? They’re so widespread you’ve got a 50:50 chance they’re an ok guy.

Image via Instagram @ty.2hand

Vintage Carhartt jackets

Image via Instagram @rb.vtg

Arc’teryx jackets

This guy has too much money and hops on every trend, which probably means he hops on a different girl from every friendship group in the club, too. This is literally called the ‘beta jacket’, which tells you everything you need to know about the type of bloke engaging in the Gorpcore craze.

Danger rating: 4/10

Why? He’s an essentially harmless himbo with enough experience in the bedroom to give you a really good time and potentially an STD.

Image via Instagram @nsw.vintage

Racing bomber jackets

Cool if leather and vintage. Ick worthy if from River Island. Let’s say we’re going with the former, this bloke reads GQ and decided a buzz cut wasn’t just for lockdown. Very polite. Very funny. Overly into his own Instagram account.

Image via Instagram @vintagee_hub

Anything with a fur hood

Is he a member of Oasis? Has he time travelled back from having a cheeky Nando’s with the boys in 2010? Who knows. What we do know, however, is he’ll probably pair this monstrosity with ripped skinny jeans and ask to split the bill in the beer tent at Winter Wonderland.

Danger rating: 6/10

Why? He says he respects women but only seems to be nice to his mum. Will tell you girls aren’t funny if you make a joke about his shit hair. Stinks of Dior Sauvage. Will ghost you after a week.

Image via Depop @clotherstuff

Barbour jackets

Probably went to Exeter Uni and hasn’t cottoned on that these jackets are actually useless at keeping you warm in the winter and make you too hot in the summer. Still, it’s what the jacket says more than what it can do and he knows this piece of outerwear screams: “I voted Conservative in the last election.”

Danger rating: 3/10

Why? Has awful chat and a big bank balance. Will probably manage to take you home but be lacklustre enough to risk any actual emotional damage. Hair line is already receding.

Image via Instagram @ligt_club_osaka

Leather biker jackets

Instantly gives off dad-having-a-mid-life-crisis energy. Probably loves himself and pouts in all is pictures. Looks sort of like a hedgehog. Could well have a hoop earring. Will ask to use some of your lip balm and scoop out half the pot.

Danger rating: 1/10

Why? Although his face is technically symmetrical, his vibe isn’t sexy enough to be taken seriously. You’ll spend a grand total of two hours together, but he’ll reply with heart-eye emojis to every Instagram story you post for the rest of his life.

Image via Instagram @naiwear_men

Any tailored jacket

He’s just a geezer who works in recruitment, wears his collar up and wouldn’t be seen dead without one of those little scarves under his lapels. Will say he’s treating you like a “princess” and take you to a Shisha bar. Thinks his pointy shoes and camel roll neck are the height of sophistication.

Danger rating: 6/10

Why? At first I thought these guys would be harmless. But when you remember Davide from Love Island essentially fits into this stereotype, it’s easy to see how men with trousers tight enough to cut off their blood circulation could actually be a threat to the nation.

Image via Depop @jaames11

Vintage windbreakers

Bought this in his first year of uni and could never quite let go. Spends his time playing Fifa and doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his life. Will almost definitely also have Reebok classics on and spend half your date showing you the last two years of his camera roll while he chuckles quietly to himself.

Danger rating: 3/10

Why? Is actually quite good looking and you have a fair bit in common but eventually sitting in is flat share smoking weed every weekend will get too boring to be bothered with.

Image via Depop @quez_34

Aviator sheepskin jackets

The cursed Made In Chelsea uniform. Will also be wearing black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and the ultimate fuckboy signifier— a chain.

Danger rating: 9/10

Why? No number of gin and tonics will stop you being able to notice the sheer number of notifications flashing up on his phone. He has Hinge premium and absolutely no morals.

Image via Depop @rysroom

No coat

No matter what pub you go to there’s always one man who has either lost or neglected to put on a coat⁠— even in the snow. He’ s swigging a pint, singing Football’s Coming Home even though the World Cup ended last week and will. not. stop. asking you to get a kebab and help him find his way home.