All of the Christmas film men ranked on how good they’d be in bed

It’s December and it’s freezing, which means we’ve all spent a lot of time under our duvets watching Christmas films. And, frankly, I’ve started to look at the men on screen sideways. Scrooge, Buddy the elf, Miles from The Holiday: you can pretty much tell from looking at them (and listening to their numerous red flags) how they’re going to be in bed. So, we’re ranking them from worst to best on their hypothetical bedroom prowess. Because, well, it’s Christmas and we deserve to be deranged:

15. Graham – The Holiday

I know it was actually Amanda that said “foreplay is overrated” but I’m concerned he wasn’t overcome with horror at her claim. He’s, obviously, very very nice to look at. But this is about skill not style and tbh him being hot would make the underwhelming deed even more of a let down.

14. Buddy – Elf

This man is 100 per cent a virgin. He’d have plenty of enthusiasm but absolutely no practise and way way way too much energy.

13. Tom – Last Christmas

All build up no follow through. Romantic tension would be building to unbearable heights only for him to flop at the final hurdle.

12. Mark Darcy – Bridget Jones Diary

Bridget Jones is a Christmas film, end of. And Mark Darcy has some seriously repressed energy that nobody should have to deal with in the bedroom. He folds his under pants people. Come on.

11. John – Love Actually

Vanilla. Gives nothing but missionary.

10.  Miles – The Holiday

When he boob grazed Iris it was creepy. Would definitely keep saying “sorry” every two minutes.

9. Scrooge – The Muppet Christmas Carol

Let’s not lie, probably quite a selfish lover. But he’s got that sort of Bridgerton, Pride and Prejudice vibe going on.

8. Marv – Home Alone

Extremely clumsy and chaotic but all in all a good time.

7. The Prime Minister – Love Actually

You can tell from his dancing this man knows what’s up. The hip movements speak for themselves.

6. Jack – The Nightmare Before Christmas

In the words of Nicole Richie: “I don’t like good looking guys. I like them to be skinny and pale and look like they’re dying.” And Jack is essentially the cartoon Timothée Chalamet when it comes to bean pole status.

5. Bryan – Miracle on 34th Street

I just get the impression that this man is smooth. Hot enough to have experience, humble enough to care if it’s good for you.

3. Daniel Cleaver – Bridget Jones Diary

Would probably give you chlamydia but sweep you off your feet.

3. Willie – Bad Santa

There is plenty of on screen evidence he’s been showing Sue a good time. Jel.

2. Grinch – The Grinch

I am actually deeply unhinged for saying this but the Grinch gives off a competent vibe. Bad boy energy. Minus points for the hairy fingers.

1. Billy – Love Actually

Any man that’s willing to go on national TV naked is proud of the equipment he’s working with.

Featured image credit via Universal.

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• This is what the cast of The Holiday are up to now, 16 years since the film was released