A definitive ranking of LadBaby’s Christmas songs from awful to soul-destroying

I beg the man just writes something that isn’t about sausage rolls

1 year ago

Charity singles and Christmas number ones go hand in hand. With Simon Cowell’s existence as a record executive, NHS choirs and military wives relentlessly singing, the charts have been topped with the best and worst songs. But whether the chart topper is an X Factor finalist, group of midwives or working mums whose husbands are fighting – it’s always been admirable.

Since 2018 though, Christmas has been ruined by the not-so faint smell of sausage rolls. LadBaby’s intentions are good, don’t get me wrong. But the man is insufferable and every stupid little song he produces about meat in a sodding puff pastry makes me was to rip the lug holes off my head.

Credit where credit is due, the man is relentless. He won’t stop until he has a song that flops. But you lot and the likes of Roman Kemp keep playing the awful songs on loop and it’s ruining the Christmas spirit. People treat LadBaby’s Christmas song like it’s the bloody John Lewis advert – you’re all shaking with apprehension over when it’s going to be dropped and it’s embarrassing.

Here’s a ranking of LadBaby’s Christmas songs from the least to most evil.

6. Don’t Stop Me Eatin’ (ft Ronan Keating)

Imagine having an estimated net worth of £30 million and being the richest member of Boyzone only to end your career with the awful version of Don’t Stop Me Eatin’.

I understand it’s for charity but Ronan had no business selling himself this far down the river. Elton John released Candle in the Wind as a charity song and he’s doing alright and even S Club 7 had a charity song that helped to raise more than £950 million since 1980. There are other routes Ronan, you don’t need to sing about sausage rolls.

5. We Built This City

In 2018 this hellish fiasco started when LadBaby parodied We Built This City, changing the lyrics to “we built this city on sausage rolls” rather than rock and roll. They presented it as if they personally just invented sausage rolls when they have been around for yonks.

For some reason, a few idiots fell in love with this silly song about sausage rolls and now they’re back for the fifth year in a row. We will never know peace.

4. Don’t Stop Me Eatin’

Thanks to you lot, following the “success” of their first song in 2018, LadBaby came back with this sinful rendition of Don’t Stop Believing but changed the lyrics to Don’t Stop Me Eatin’. I have to give it to them, the version is much better with Ronan Keating but that doesn’t mean it’s good. However this one just features the LadBaby and his wife, Roxy and it’s hideous.

Everything I hate most about this song happens within the first few seconds. I loathe the forced ad-libbed chats at the start of the song. This song also has the awful, awful covid nostalgia thrown into it. Singing about going to Greggs, having to isolate, eating sausage rolls through plastic sheets and panic buying ready meals. Enough!

3. I Love Sausage Rolls

The song I Love Rock N Roll is great, I’d even say it 100 per cent did not need to be remixed or changed in the slightest. But then LadBaby came along in 2019 with his sausage roll fetish and destroyed it with the help of his wife.

“I want meat, yeah mean, a beige and savoury treat. Yeah I want meat, yeah meat.” Bleak.

2. I Love Sausage Rolls (Swing version)

lol

There was no need for a swing band in 2019, end of.

1. Sausage Rolls for Everyone

Releasing their 2021 Christmas hit put LadBaby’s success on the same level as The Beatles. For four Christmas songs they’ve levelled records of The Beatles and the Spice Girls for having three consecutive Christmas number ones. But what makes this one the worst of all, I hear you ask? The fact they’ve bagged Ed Sheeran for it and not to mention the soul sucking Elton John.

Also someone’s been splashing the cash on the mum getting some singing lessons! Hopefully LadBaby has been perfecting his autotune skills in time for the 2022 release!