All of Brooklyn Beckham’s cursed cooking attempts, ranked by how disastrous they are

Get that breakfast sandwich off my screen now

2 years ago

We all have our talents in this world but it appears cooking is not one of Brooklyn Beckham’s. Look, I get it’s tough being a nepotism baby, you have money, power and privilege, it must be difficult to know how to fill your days. And props to Brooklyn, he’s tried out a bunch of careers in the last few years when he could have easily sat at home waiting for his inheritance to kick in. There was the budding football career in his attempt to be Golden Balls 2.0 and then of course he tried his hand at photography, with that acclaimed photography book which showed just how difficult it is to photograph elephants. But now it seems Brooklyn has found his true calling – cooking.

Discovering cooking in lockdown, Brooklyn has spent the last year and a half on a publicity tour of daytime TV shows cooking his “family” recipes for the subjected TV hosts. But the thing is, Brooklyn just isn’t a good cook. Sure he hasn’t poisoned anyone and I’m sure if you went round for a Tuesday night dinner you’d have an enjoyable meal. However, with the quality of dishes he’s cooking he wouldn’t have been going on these TV shows if he wasn’t a Beckham.

Earlier this year he launched his Facebook video series where he’s taught recipes by legit chefs, which in fairness is a stroke of genius – he can learn about cooking alongside his audience. But to call himself a “chef” like he did in a recent TikTok is one step too far.

And so, I will be ranking all the cooking appearances he’s had on YouTube and TV to prove this man is nothing but a glorified food presenter:

5. The Valentine’s Day dinner Vogue edition

I eased myself into it by picking a prerecorded cooking episode and thus hopefully reducing the lack of chaotic energy on set. And in all honestly this is probably the least disastrous one.

All the food comes out looking edible and it’s food you would want to cook for Valentine’s Day – heart shaped pizza, some molten chocolate cake and an espresso martini (which Brooklyn calls an expresso martini, lord help me). Easy, simple and basic. And pretty hard to mess up.

Brooklyn says Nicola “can’t cook to save her life” which is pretty ironic for a man who requires 62 people to set up the shoot for his Facebook TV show, but we move.

Easily the best part of this whole thing is Nicola who is funny, light hearted and clearly not taking it seriously at all, which I loved to see.

4. Steak and chips with James Corden

It’s hard to tell who is more annoying in this video, but I think I’m gonna have to hand it James Corden.

The pair are in competition to see who can make the best steak, chips and get ready for this…mushy peas. I have no words for that abominable combination.

Brooklyn appears to know what he’s doing mainly because everything is set up for him and all he has to do is put chips in oil and steak in the pan. At one point in the segment James said he’s switched off whilst Brooklyn is cooking and honestly, same. This cooking segment was a snooze fest.

3. The cheese wheel pasta

Another Vogue video and therefore everything is highly edited with little room to show any potential mistakes, but everything he says just proves how much of a novice he is.

He says he only started cooking in lockdown. He’s used a blow torch a few times to cook but not many. Oh, and he’s never opened a cheese wheel before. Which whilst we’re on the subject, who is buying a whole cheese wheel to make one dish for their fiancée? We’re not in Circolo Popolare.

Brooklyn makes Nicola a cheesy pasta which looks decent but the whole concept just reminds me of a teenage boy cooking pesto pasta for the first time and thinking they’re Gordon Ramsey after.

After the average pasta he then proceeds to give me the ick by constantly referring to Nicola as “his fiancée” and not her actual name, saying he couldn’t eat healthy in England because there’s always bangers and mash, and fish and chips – sorry but when was the last time fried food was allowed in the Beckham house? And also yes, we do on occasion eat those meals, but when has any Brit consistently eaten a diet of just bangers and mash and fish and chips?

He then fries some broccoli and refers to vegetables as “things”. He also makes pecan pies with pre-rolled pastry cases which says all you need to know about his cooking ability.

2. The squish burger

The name alone should give you an indication of how this burger is going to go down.

So he’s on The Rachel Ray show, and combines a bunch of burger ingredients in a bowl and squishes the burgers and fries them in a pan.

He then adds blue cheese and puts them in a bun. And that is literally it. How did I waste three minutes of my life on that?

1. The breakfast sandwich

Quite likely to be the most basic recipe cooked on live TV. Brooklyn appeared on The Today Show where he makes a breakfast sandwich.

He assembles said sandwich by layering bacon, plasticky looking fried eggs and sausage meat in between two slices of unbuttered white bread? The host even has to remind him to put the ketchup on.

How the hosts managed to keep a straight face and pretend to enjoy the driest sandwich on earth I shall never know. The thing that of course killed me off the most was him claiming his great grandma taught him how to make the sandwich as a family recipe. I’m sorry, what? A family recipe? Please jog on.